Scary Humor

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mosquitoes

The mosquitoes have moved in. Have you noticed how nasty they are this year? We can’t use the front door because they’ve camped out there. We tried putting citronella plants around the door but the cardinals took them for their nest in the dryer vent. Now we finally have cleaner smelling clothes.

We go in and out the garage door these days. The mosquitoes say, “Oh, look, the big cave is open.” And they move in. Ever get bug squashes on your windshield? In the garage?

I fixed the mosquitoes. I stopped killing the spiders. You ever see a spider scratching an itch? Not a pretty sight. Now I have way too many spiders in the house, but you should see the fishnet covering the ceiling of our bedroom. Very romantic. The only problem is now the spiders get cold at night. They’re cold blooded, you know. So they move into the bed with us to warm up. It’s not so bad once you get used to the squishy sounds whenever you roll over. Or whenever the wife rolls over which is followed by the little scream. Squish, squish, ee-yeow!

And if you sleep with your mouth open, you won’t be hungry in the morning. Speaking of hunger, ever notice how much a spider can eat? See, they move into the bed because they’re cold. They curl up in your warmest place and go to sleep. Yeah, that’s right, the warmest place on your body. I told you they were cold blooded. Oh, and they get hungry in the middle of the night.

Do you know how long a spider bite lasts beyond when a mosquito bite goes away? So how do you keep mosquitoes out of your house? Let me know soon because I’m planning to evict the spiders.

Monday, August 9, 2010

February in Geneva, Illinois or a Cool Study for Summer

She leans on the small round table, chin propped on hand, elbow on Formica in the Geneva Barnes and Noble. The eyes are warm and she smiles softly almost like a lover, but the subject of her affection is the little girl across the table. She expresses her exhaustion along with a mother’s love in this look.

No wedding ring. Mom without Dad. Her coat is dark grey with a green plaid lining peaking out of her hood. Upon her dark blonde hair she sports a bright red velvet hat. Mom after work.

In mid description, Mom exits with the little girl, leaving undefined the natural beauty of her eyes, nose, sweet smile, soft chin, high cheek bones, and a life lived day-by-day.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Airplane

A small propeller-driven airplane



Every business is an airplane and every employee a potential propeller. The company flies on the wings of marketing and sales success. It carries a cargo of products and services. The pilot is the CEO who sits up front giving direction. Employees fill the passenger section where they work to achieve a quality work life as part of a successful family and career. It all starts with work life balance.

The power of the company comes from the engine of innovation, creativity and a desire for success. The company is fueled by its resources of time and money.

Before the age of jet engines, propellers pulled the aircraft forward in victory towards its goal. Without a propeller, the rest of the airplane didn’t matter because the plane couldn’t get off the ground. If the propeller failed in flight, the plane crashed.

The propeller is the person who is out in front of the business taking the lead in accomplishing its mission. It’s the champion sales person, the innovative researcher and product designer, the receptionist with the pleasant greeting. It’s the customer service rep who resolves the complaint on the first call. It’s anyone who does an extraordinary job of simply doing their own job well. An airplane can have many propellers. The more propellers it has, the faster it gets to its destination.

You have two choices in any job. You can sit in the passenger area consuming valuable company resources and going along for the ride – or you can become a propeller that moves the company forward to success.

Which do you want to be?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Airplane

Every business is an airplane and every employee a potential propeller. The company flies on the wings of marketing and sales success. It carries a cargo of products and services. The pilot is the CEO who sits up front giving direction. Employees fill the passenger section where they work to achieve a quality work life as part of a successful family and career. It all starts with work life balance.

The power of the company comes from the engine of innovation, creativity and a desire for success. The company is fueled by its resources of time and money.
Before the age of jet engines, propellers pulled the aircraft forward in victory towards its goal. Without a propeller, the rest of the airplane didn’t matter because the plane couldn’t get off the ground. If the propeller failed in flight, the plane crashed.

The propeller is the person who is out in front of the business taking the lead in accomplishing its mission. It’s the champion sales person, the innovative researcher and product designer, the receptionist with the pleasant greeting. It’s the customer service rep who resolves the complaint on the first call. It’s anyone who does an extraordinary job of simply doing their own job well. An airplane can have many propellers. The more propellers it has, the faster it gets to its destination.

You have two choices in any job. You can sit in the passenger area consuming valuable company resources and going along for the ride – or you can become a propeller that moves the company forward to success. Which do you want to be?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Longhorn

Photographs and paintings of old west cowboys and cattle compete with western desert landscapes. A chief’s portrait shows a proud face looking off to a hard future for his people – winters filled with too much alcohol and too little justice or mercy, not trusting a white man’s God.

Touhy and Mannheim is a far cry from the Colorado or Rio Grande rivers of nineteenth century lore. The hostess has a Russian accent. The Longhorn is a sports bar and steakhouse. Country and Western music plays too loud from the speakers.

Stetsons rest on pegs on shelves, never worn but dedicated to memories of old cowboys, Hollywood western adventures, and old radio and TV dramas. Where are you now Gene Autry and Roy Rogers? Moldering in a round, gray tin can in a back lot studio warehouse? And you Red Ryder and Range Rider? Have your horses long ago faded into the Montana sage brush or the foothills of Wyoming? Does the Rifleman still polish his Winchester on some distant shore along the River Styx? Do the Maverick brothers ply their trade on riverboats ‘twixt Natchez and New Orleans? Where are you Wyatt Earp in these days of outlaws and urban terrorists?

A good hamburger or steak will have to suffice as a reminder of pioneer days, while life travels onward toward distant stars and a business lunch in a post Great Recession Chicago where, as far as a western facing eye can see, stand the ‘burbs, one after another, and houses, the last cash crop of the Midwest Promised Land.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Where Babies Come From

I know where babies come from. Do you?
My big brother Jimmy told me all about it. Jimmy said one day Mommy got sad ‘cause she didn’t have a boy friend. You know what Mommy did? Jimmy said she decided to meet a man named Daddy and so she did. Daddy made Mommy happy. That’s because Daddy was nice to her. Daddy bought her stuff. And Daddy took her places like the movies. Then one day Daddy took Mommy to church. That’s when they got married. That made Mommy and Daddy so happy.
“The End,” Jimmy said.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “Where’s the part about the babies?”
Jimmy said, “Oh yeah, I forgot that part.”
Do you sometimes forget to tell a part when you tell a story? I know I do.
Then Jimmy told me about the babies. “So one day Mommy got sad.”
I said, “But I thought you said she was happy?”
“She was happy but she got sad anyway because she didn’t have a baby.”
“So then what happened?”
Jimmy said, “Daddy said to Mommy, ‘Look, Mommy, you’re not having a baby because you only have half a baby seed in your belly.’”
“How did Daddy know that?” I asked.
“Daddies are smart about things like that.”
“Oh,” I said.
Jimmy said, “Then Daddy said, ‘Look Mommy, I have a seed, too. Let’s put my half with your half to make a whole baby seed.”
“Then what happened?” I asked.
Jimmy said, “They put their half a seeds together and then a baby started to grow inside Mommy’s belly.”
“Then what happened,” I asked. I ask that a lot you know.
Jimmy said, “When Mommy’s belly got too big out popped the baby.”
“Was the baby me?” I asked.
“No!” Jimmy said. “I was the first baby. You came second. That’s why I’m the oldest.”
“And that’s where babies come from?” I asked
“Yep,” Jimmy said.
“That’s silly,” I said. “I thought they came from Pittsburg or one of those places like that.”
The End.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

McDonalds Glenview on Waukegan Road

The painting closest to the front of the store features an impossibly thin girl holding her heart to the sky in worship. Is she a nun in the making who is offering her heart to God? Or is she a goddess extending the heart of God up for mass adulation? Blue dominates a ruddy red hue in this vision.

In the other picture, ruddy red dominates a minor blue chord. The image appears to be two people shaping the center of focus. Or are these two saplings bent in the wind?

A dark blue-gray woven pattern on paper imitates a fine cloth pasted to the wall perpendicular to the creamy brick.

The man in the corner booth where the two walls meet sits below a third water color. The blue and ruddy red both are strong, but a blue border – light blue on three sides and deep blue along the bottom – dominates. A tall female form in ruddy red dances despite her single leg. She balances on a board upon two wheels or barrels.

The man wears a gray-blue sweater that matches the wall so that with a squint, he disappears from the neck down, except for two floating hands holding the Sun-Times.

Above the neck, he wears a scraggly gray beard like a man retired young or unemployed. A mustache matches the beard both in scraggles and color.

His face is long, thin and bony with a straight, patrician nose. His wire frame glasses are the size and shape of military issue from the long ago Nam-era.

Bushy eyebrows hide behind the glasses as do the color of his eyes. His ears stand in close bass relief against the side of his head. His hair is full on top and trimmed business-like on the side above the ear.

The paper holds his interest for a time.

He shakes the paper to set the pages straight, tosses his coffee cup, and dons his navy blue jacket as he leaves the booth and the paintings behind. He places his hand carefully into the jacket to take comfort in the feel of his loaded Glock 31. The man doesn’t have far to travel or long to wait.

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