When Martha Shot the Leprechaun

Officer O'Toole claimed the body was a dwarf and accused Martha of the foul deed. “Look, missy, already he’s turning green,” said Officer O’Toole.

“Now, O’Toole, you’ve got to understand he was green before I shot the little fellow.”

“Tell me, Martha, why you killed the lad.”

“He’s not a lad, he’s a leprechaun.”

“In all my born years I’ve never seen a leprechaun, Martha, so don’t be telling me fables. The lad’s a goner, and oh my, what’s this? He’s sitting up.”

“O’Toole, you better duck for he's pissed. Duck now,” Martha insisted.

O’Toole ducked in time to avoid being smashed by the rainbow the leprechaun fired from his forefinger. Martha attempted to beat the wee green fellow to the other end of the rainbow, but alas, the pot of gold and the leprechaun were long gone when she arrived. 'Twas as fine a rainbow as ever Martha laid eyes upon.

Where There's Smoke

They chopped down the giant willow and hauled the logs to the site of the annual end of school year bonfire. It wasn’t until Casey and the rest of the phi beta alpha crew stacked the logs for the fire that Dean Altman noticed his favorite tree missing.

“I’ll expel the whole fraternity for this,” Dean Altman shouted. He obviously forgot that using foul language on campus was forbidden and punishable by dismissal unless the professor had tenure, which Dean Altman obviously did. Nor did Dean Altman seem to recall that finals were over, the grades were in and the sheepskins printed. Real sheepskins in those days, not the embossed paper ones they use today.

After the lads stacked the chairs, desks and other old furniture no longer needed by students, Nickie Tunnelston torched the stack. Her powder blue miniskirt began to smoke when she forgot to back away from the flames soon enough. The smoldering cloth didn't burn her in the end.

Danny McCallister did a yeoman's job of throwing her on the ground. He ripped off her skirt like he had experience with such matters. He patted her down and wrapped her with his blazer. He, of course, patted her legs high enough to make sure Nickie felt safe. She felt safe to him. And if Nickie's smile was any indication, she felt safe, too. Yes, Nickie's skirt set their romance ablaze which just goes to show where there's smoke, you can always go a little higher.

Instructions for an Evening Date

Load the Rolls with oak stakes, lignum vitae bullets for your Glock and don’t forget the silver bullets for the rifles. You never know who or what you’ll run into in the city. Open the garage door after checking that the sun hasn’t set yet. Pull out of the garage carefully so you avoid hitting the mummy your neighbor made out of his murdered wife.

Follow Walnut Court to Poplar. Turn right. The city chopped down the giant willow on the corner lot so watch out for Tarzan the Zombie. He could pop out of any of the other trees or his little treetop hut that now sits in the big oak over on Chestnut where Jane, your girlfriend, feeds. Enjoy.

You Graduate, You Evacuate

When Bob turned 18, his foster parents showed him the front door. Bob explained he liked the entrance, but his foster dad declared he preferred Bob find the other side. So Bob borrowed $100 from his 12-year old foster sister. He visited Wally who lived in the basement of his mother’s house.

Bob and Wally hung out until they found a couple of jobs. They enjoyed life until Wally’s mom said they made too much racket at night. “You both will become more attractive on the south side of my north side door.”

Or did she mean the north side of the south-side door?

Either way, Bob and Wally met Ginger Stevens at the bus stop. Ginger's parents had persuaded her to leave home with a subtle change of the locks. “When you graduate, you evacuate,” Ginger’s dad informed her through the locked front door.

Ginger wasn’t happy about the forced move, but she was glad she ran into Wally and Bob because she could use a friend or two at the moment. Besides she had a job so they moved in together – on the up and up with no sex or nudity permitted. They worked their butts off until Ginger got the bright idea they should flip houses, which explains the sideways homes on Waldorf Ave.

What If Angels Sang the Blues?

What would the new king say? What about the Druid shaman? And the Christian priest? How would they feel about the blues? Or did they sing their own Dark Ages version of the blues, Druids to the earth  mother, Christians to Jesus? Who sang the blues didn't matter until the Druids accused Brigitte the Money Changer of murdering King Flipnot II on his 19th birthday. Christians defended Brigitte and dumped the blame on Axelrod the Red. While angels sang the blues in the Cathedral of St, Catherine the Juggernaut, I began the investigation. That's right, I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham. Murder is my game.

Quarterback Sneak?

Blithbather flew down the field. The masses roared, but with the lights out, who could tell if Blithbather would score or Bloombop would burn him? And if she did, would the ref call foul? The assemblage performed a spiritual wave which isn't as easy as it sounds with the seats taken up by ghosts, but I digress. Blithbather and Bloombop crashed into a billowing pile of dust and goalpost rubble. Dragon fire breath vs. vampire fangs. The crowd howled. The banshee cheerleaders screamed.

Book Selection: Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters

Just One Look

After the failed exorcism, Fred accepted Zibsnapper's unwarranted attention. He even raised bar-bet money with a 360 degree spin of this head. Zibsnapper did not approve but what was a demon to do?

Fred soon learned he couldn't pick up girls with super-charged head spins. Even worse, if he stopped halfway around to gain the young lady's attention on the barstool behind him, the conversation ended abruptly. When he advanced to eyeball-to-eyeball contact with a potential mate, he slowly filled his eye sockets with rich red blood. While the younger girls screamed at this, the toughest of barflies asked him to show them his vampire fangs. They misunderstood, of course. Fred explained he never sucked their blood for his own pleasure but for Zibsnapper's.

For revenge, the demon forced Fred to emit green muck over a friendly girl's new white blouse.  And if Zibsnapper picked that moment to elicit an evil cackle out of Fred's mouth, well, that ended the pickup attempt most times.

Fred freed himself from Zibsnapper's possession when he discovered the demon's penchant for invading tall, thin blondes from Minneapolis. Just one look was all it took.

Book Selection: Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters