Elizabeth Stockmeyer's Most Unusual Morning

Through her glasses, with lenses thick as a soda bottle bottom, sixteen-year-old Elizabeth Stockmeyer spotted a flash of bare human flesh through the woods about 20 yards down Stickle Road from her family's farm. Snipgridix, the teenage alien hermaphrodite shapeshifter, wandered out of the forest. Unfortunately, he hadn't yet mastered the art of being human. His sky blue left foot was a size 6 and his right sky blue foot size 18. The right side of his body was white while the left side was black. Otherwise, he appeared average height, weight, brown hair and forgettable face. He had one purple eyeball and one orange.

The most interesting thing, of course, for young Elizabeth was she now knew what gentleman kepthidden beneath their khakis. She suspected the weather on this November morning in 1946 may have affected the young man's, uh, “equipment” which the stranger made no attempt to cover. She had heard from the other girls to expect the young man's thingie to be much larger.

“Buenas dias,” said the youth. “You wouldn't happen to know where I could obtain some of those outer coverings you creatures wear, would you?”

“You must be freezing. Here, cover yourself with my coat.” Elizabeth removed her navy blue wool A-line jacket and handed it to the stranger.

“Thank you.” The newcomer attempted to put the coat on upside down. Then he twisted it sideways to wear like a wrap. He smiled at Elizabeth. “Ist gute, ya?”

“You'd think you never in your life wore a coat before. Let me help you.” Elizabeth moved behind the man and held up the jacket. “Slip your arms in these holes.” From this position she missed seeing the young man conform his body to the size of the A-line. “Oh, my, a perfect fit, but how is that possible? Come to my house where you may borrow my father's clothes. They'll be way too big on you, but you can't go about naked and half frozen to death even if you are a Nazi spy.”

While her Mom assisted the young visitor with his apparel needs, Elizabeth waited in the kitchen with a well-sugared and creamed cup of coffee by the wood stove. She sauntered down the hall where she called the sheriff's department on the telephone to report the arrival of the odd-colored naked stranger. The sheriff ended the conversation by suggesting Elizabeth make a fresh pot of coffee.

Within a short time, her mother returned with the young man behind.

“Your father's clothes fit,” Mom said.

“But that's not possible,” Elizabeth said. “My coat fit him before. Besides he lost some of his color and now his feet match. What's going on here?”

“We can worry about that later. I'll drive you to school, but first, let me pour Fred a cup of coffee.” Mom picked up the coffeepot.

“Sorry, Mom, but I called the sheriff. We should wait.”

“Don't worry. I'll make breakfast for Fred in the meantime.”

Thirty minutes later, Fred, or Snipgridix as his home world folks named him, watched out the window of the kitchen as Sheriff Tate liberated his oversize mid-section from behind the wheel of his Chevy in the driveway. An unmarked black Ford sedan parked next to the sheriff's Chevy and ejected four tall, thin men dressed in black suits, black neckties, white shirts, black hats and black shoes. They wore black sunglasses.

THE END

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Fred Freeborner's Alien

In the years that followed, farmer Fred Freeborner told anyone who would listen about the alien visitation in his deer blind at daybreak on November 15, 1946. He took pains to point out this was the deer blind on the west end of his southwest Wisconsin dairy farm, not the one over near Bob Perkins' blueberry farm.

What he thought was an unusual three-horned black bear lumbered down the deer path in front of him. Later he learned the creature was likely the legendary Mudvarian Primbobber. Whether horned bear or legendary creature, it morphed into one of those scary space aliens. You know the kind. They’re blue-gray, have a teeny, tiny slit for a mouth and have a triangular-shaped head with no hair. Their eyes are super large and twisted at an angle down from their oversized brains. They communicate by mental telepathy.

These aliens kidnap weird people to conduct painful experiments. They stick long needles into their bellies and steal their mojo before they return them to the world like a fisherman playing catch and release. Their victims then travel anywhere they can find listeners who want to hear about their alien abduction, but nobody believes them. Would you? Well, the Mudvarian Primbobber turned into one of those aliens.

The strange visitor, strolled to the bottom of the hill by the creek. He glanced up the trunk of the big oak, noticed Fred in his deer blind and said, “Good morning” without moving his mouth.

Fred, who at this point realized he had snatched the 22 longs instead of the .30-06 cartridges he needed for his Remington 1903/A3 .30-06 Springfield when he left the house, began to fumble around for the hunting knife that at the time resided under the seat of his red 1945 Ford pickup parked 100 yards south by the side of road.

In his best clear American, Snipgridixz the newly-arrived teenage alien hermaphrodite shapeshifter, said, “Oops. Das vas nix gute.” He morphed into a naked young man. “Is this better?” And it would have been if Snipgridixz had morphed into a normal human instead of his blue-footed version with a left foot size 6 and a right foot size 18. If both sides of his body had the same color skin, well, that would have helped also.

Fred nodded but the words simply would not form in his mouth so he grunted and groaned as the strange nude figure wandered into the woods on the other side of the creek. Fred took a gulp of java embellished with his home brewed Wisconsin cheese liqueur but spit it out. He always ended the tale by mentioning the men in black visited him two days later.

THE END

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Glickenhopper's Mudvarian Primbobber

After he blew up his flying saucer, quite by accident you understand, Snipgridixz waited in Lake Winnebago. When the soldiers finished their cleanup, he ventured onto shore where he rested in the form of a Mudvarian Primbobber. He may have remained asleep all night if Private Elmore Glickenhopper hadn't stepped on him while on patrol. Glickenhopper jerked back. “What was that?” He shone his flashlight on the sleeping form with the boot print on its butt.

Glickenhopper had never seen an animal like a Mudvarian Primbobber. It appeared the right size for a black bear. But what about those three horns on one end of the the brute's body? Were the  horns on its head or its butt? Glickenhopper wasn't certain. He noticed the beast's scaly skin and bloated body. The animal either burped or farted. Glickenhopper couldn't be certain which end was which, but the aroma assaulted the nasal passages only slightly more than the fragrance of a barracks where 40 GIs slept off a beer and beans night at the NCO club.

The Mudvarian Primbobber galloped into the darkness of the Northwoods never to be seen again except for occasional appearances in his many other forms like the Jersey Devil, Rhinelander Hodag, the Lizard Man of Scrape Ore Swamp, and of course, your average American teenager. Snipgridixz could even land in your school. Have you checked on the new kid in your chemistry class? Snipgridixz enjoys masquerading as a boy most times, talkative as ever, and always, well, almost always, one step ahead of the Men in Black.

THE END

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First Day on Earth

On the night of November 14, 1946, Snipgridixz bumped into a panel on the saucer's main control panel. The defense shield dropped. Slipgringil screamed “Brizilagramp,” a bad word in his native language. A captured German V-2 rocket flew through the open docking bay door where it exploded against the back wall.

The flying saucer disintegrated but Snipgridixz escaped when the blast blew him out the open bay door. He spread a pair of bat-like wings and flapped until he landed in Lake Winnebago near Paynes Point, a tiny tourist area south of Neenah, Wisconsin. Air-filled float bags replaced his bat wings once he hit the water. As he watched, the rest of the crew, including Slipgringil, landed in a cluster on shore, but in the dark, Snipgridixz didn't spot any movement. He assumed they must be unconscious or worse.

U.S Army soldiers assigned to monitor the V2 test approached the crash site. They divided into two groups upon arrival. The first panicked and scattered into the surrounding forest. Snipgridixz heard their screams mixed with the battle noise of M1 rifle fire from the braver soldiers. Snipgridixz knew his shipmates died in the saucer explosion. Otherwise, they may have laughed at the soldiers. He regretted causing the accident that killed his crewmates, but what could anyone expect from a teenage alien hermaphrodite shapeshifter?

Major Medford Stormblazer, commander of the Army battalion, ordered the alien bodies burned and the scattered debris tossed into the lake. In his memoir written years later, he mentioned how he feared an Army investigation into why he destroyed an actual flying saucer and ordered his men to kill the occupants. No one believed his memoir, of course.

THE END

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Snipgridixz Lands Here Friday 9/4/2020

Snipgridixz the teenage alien hermaphrodite shapeshifter invades my blog for 8 weeks beginning this Friday 9/4. See the zany alien from my Snpgrdxz novel series in a whole new light.

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Vampires on the Moon

My new book -- Vampires on the Moon -- rampages through monsters, kids, lovers – young, old and some undead. If you enjoy short stories and flash fiction, this is the book you’ve waited for your whole life. Well, not exactly your whole life. More like since your last bathroom break. But hey, you need a book like Vampires on the Moon to keep your brain flushed with nearly 150 pages of horror humor. Stories you’re dying to read like The Vampire’s Wife’s Rant and How I Flunked Vampire will entice more than a smile before exposing your neck to whoever that is tapping at your bedroom window right now. A few, a very few, will make your skin crawl in the usual horrific way so be sure to check out Night Terror and West Chester, Pennsylvania. For Twilight Zone fans, you’ll discover Exit 13. For lovers of ancient mysteries with a touch of scary, read A Case of Murder in Ancient Egypt and Little Miss Forgotten (historical set in the sixties). Sci-Fi fan? You’re in luck with Garbage Scow Willie and the Mother Ship. How about a spirit-filled adventure? Try Wally Bonner’s Spirit-filled Dollar and How It Was Paddy O’Reilly Got To Heaven. Are you ready for a couple of stories that wait until the end to “gotcha?” Try Egbert and McDonalds Glenview on Waukegan Road. Lots more surprises in this collection. Click here to learn more or buy.

Cover Reveal: Snpgrdxz and the Time Keepers

Here is the cover for my latest book in the Snpgrdxz series. It's number 4. You can start the series, if you haven't already, by clicking the book 1 image on the right.

This new story will be available as soon as it passes muster with Amazon.

Enjoy

Here's the Scoop
Love birds Jennifer and Bryan travel across time with their friends to battle Bangers (smarter than zombies, dumber than dung) and Klergs (alien monks who prefer teens who taste good over teens with good taste). Their coming of age misadventure  brings them into conflict with the usual terrors like daemons, lycanthropes, nosferatu, trolls, zombies, and of course, Jennifer’s dad, Dr. Hawkins, who doubles as their high school principal. Snpgrdxz (pronounced Snip-grid-ix), the teenage alien hermaphrodite shapeshifter, joins them as the group’s sardonic but secret weapon. Free-wheeling noir humor abounds in this sci-fi, fantasy, romance, thriller – well, you get the idea. It's a page turner for romantics and thrill seekers alike.

Supervillain Daemon Turpelator Returns in Book 4
And he is hell-bent on destroying Bryan while keeping Jennifer for his own pleasure. He already possesses multiple versions of Jennifer captured during her past time travel misadventures so why not sidle up to the original? And with Tony Romano, the high school’s hippie-dippy art teacher, set to retire, who will replace him as the Time Keeper?

More horror comedy combined with teenage romance from the author of Hags and other top sellers. Perfect for fans of Shayne Silvers, Jeff Strand and John P. Logsdon. Also great for horror fans who wish Stephen King had a sense of humor.

Young Adult/Adult Crossover. Find out why sci-fi/fantasy readers enjoy the Snpgrdxz time travel series by clicking on the LOOK INSIDE button to sample the book.

Interview with Paul R. Lloyd
Why should readers check out Snpgrdxz and the Time Keepers?
If you like to laugh your way through a horror story, and who doesn’t, then you owe it to yourself to read the Snpgrdxz series. The first three books act as a prequel to book 4 so go ahead and start with the fourth book: Snpgrdxz and the Time Keepers. You can always backtrack to the first three episodes.