Where Babies Come From

I know where babies come from. Do you? My big brother Jimmy told me all about it. Jimmy said one day Mommy got sad ‘cause she didn’t have a boy friend. You know what Mommy did? Jimmy said she decided to meet a man named Daddy and so she did. Daddy made Mommy happy. That’s because Daddy was nice to her. Daddy bought her stuff. And Daddy took her places like the movies. Then one day Daddy took Mommy to church. That’s when they got married. That made Mommy and Daddy so happy.

“The End,” Jimmy said.

“Wait a minute,” I said. Where’s the part about the babies?”

Jimmy said, “Oh yeah, I forgot that part.”

Do you sometimes forget to tell a part when you tell a story? I know I do.

Then Jimmy told me about the babies. “So one day Mommy got sad.”

I said, “But I thought you said she was happy?”

“She was happy but she got sad anyway because she didn’t have a baby.”

“So then what happened?” I asked.

Jimmy said, “Daddy said to Mommy, ‘Look, Mommy, you’re not having a baby because you only have half a baby seed in your belly.’”

“How did Daddy know that?” I asked.

“Daddies are smart about things like that.”

“Oh,” I said.

Jimmy rubbed me on the head.  “Then Daddy said, ‘Look Mommy, I have half a seed, too. Let’s put my half with your half to make a whole baby seed.”

“Then what happened?” I asked.

Jimmy said, “They put their half a seeds together, and a baby started to grow inside Mommy’s belly.”

“Then what happened,” I asked. I ask that a lot you know.

Jimmy said, “When Mommy’s belly got too big out popped the baby.”

“Was the baby me?” I asked.

“No!” Jimmy said. “I was the first baby. You came second. That’s why I’m the oldest.”

“And that’s where babies come from?” I asked

“Yep,” Jimmy said.

“That’s silly,” I said. “I thought they came from Pittsburgh or one of those places like that.”

THE END

Questions for Readers

Yesterday, I posted the two rules for readers. By “readers” I refer, of course, to those unfortunate individuals who happen to know an author well enough to be asked to “read” their novel before the author publishes it. The idea is to provide brief comments, both positive and negative.

Oh yes, one more thing before you volunteer to become a reader… the writer is not asking you to edit the book so there’s no need to note all the typos, grammar errors or other stupid mistakes. It’s okay to note them if you wish, and the writer will appreciate anything so noted, but that’s not the job of the reader. Your job is to read, enjoy and then make a few comments about what you liked and didn’t like about the novel. So here are the three questions the writer most wants answered:

1. Did you read the entire novel? If not, what chapter or page did you stop on? (This question is important in case multiple readers stop on the same page or chapter because it tells the writer that something is amiss with that part of the book.)
2. What three things did you like most about the novel?
3. What three things did you like least about the novel?

There. That doesn’t sound so difficult, does it? Enjoy.

If at all possible, please respond to the writer within two or three weeks.

How to practice to become a “reader”
If you wish to practice being a reader, may I recommend starting with my thriller novel Steel Pennies? When you are finished, contact me with your comments at paul @ zuklloyd dot com. (Don’t forget to mush the address all together and use a real dot.) Put “Reader Comment” in the subject line so I don't think your important missive is spam although a piece of Spam with a bit of mustard might go well at the moment.

As your reward, I’ll email a free PDF copy of my “solve-it-yourself” mystery book – The Case of the Knife-Tossing Networker: 12 Mysteries Requiring Deductive Reasoning. BUT BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR AMAZON.COM ORDER NUMBER AS PROOF OF PURCHASE IN YOUR EMAIL. THIS NUMBER IS WRITTEN ON YOUR RECEIPT FROM AMAZON.COM.

Since I do not use an autoresponder like those online marketing gurus recommend, please allow a few days to hear back from me. If you don’t hear within a week, check the email address you sent it to. Or use the link at the bottom of the Me page (see links above).

Steel Pennies is racially-charged murder, mayhem and mischief wrapped around a teenage romance gone wild. It explores racial tension and forbidden love during the early days of the civil rights movement. It's a thriller written in a noir style laced with biting humor and oddball characters.

As another author wrote:
“Machine-gun sentences.  Fast.  Intense.  Mickey Spillane-style.  No way around it.  Paul is a top-notch noir writer.  Top-notch.”
Thomas Phillips author of The Molech Prophecy

Please click here to begin reading Steel Pennies.

Two Rules for “Readers”

Have you ever been asked to be a “reader” for an author? It’s a fun way to read a novel for free before it’s released. I recently sent the first book of my new novel series to my readers for comment. Here’s what I told them…

Dear Reader:
Thanks for agreeing to read my new novel. A novel “reader” is a person who helps a writer complete a novel by – you’ll never guess – actually reading it. But you also have one other big important task. This second task is the one the writer needs completed before the novel goes into print – your job is to tell the writer what you think of the book.

Rule 1: Give negative feedback
The negative helps the writer understand what needs fixing before releasing the novel upon an unsuspecting public. The things you find wrong with the book are what the writer is blind to due to “forest-for-the-trees” syndrome. An example includes using the word “mountain” ten times in one paragraph. Another is killing off Bob in chapter two only to have him show up alive and well in chapter eight. One more example is noticing that nothing actually happens in the middle of the novel.

Negative Feedback Massages the Author
Readers often are afraid to give negative feedback because they don’t want to hurt the writer’s feelings. Let me assure you that is never the case. Here’s why…

Seven Secret Steps for handling negative feedback
There are the seven secret steps the writer goes through when presented with negative feedback:

1. Go into deep mourning characterized by great weeping and gnashing of teeth. This lasts for a full day usually, sometimes a bit longer.
2. Blame the reader. Yes, the problems you pointed out in the novel will be your fault for about two or three days.
3. Review the reader’s mean, nasty negative comments and realize they actually make sense and some minor revisions may help improve the novel.
4. With great reluctance, make the changes needed by the novel. Usually major improvements happen during this step.
5. Notice that the changes actually do improve the novel.
6. Become deeply appreciative of the reader’s comments and contributions to making the novel better. The writer might even express gratitude to you for your contributions to improving the novel, but don’t count on it depending on the timing of Step 7.
7. Totally forget that the reader made the comments in the first place and think it was all the writer’s idea to make the changes which of course results in the writer’s ego being massaged.

As you can see, expressing negative comments to the writer results in massaging the writer’s ego in a nice, positive way. So be sure to make some. Make them up if you have to, but let’s not get carried away.

Rule 2: Make positive comments even when you have none
The positive comments you choose to make massage the writer’s ego as well, but they also can prove useful in promoting the novel. Make stuff up if you have to. Your positive comments assure the author remains among the living a little longer while supplying the kind of promotional copy usually only available from professional advertising agency copy writers and liars (redundancy planned).

Where is The Promise Garden?

If you started to read my novel The Promise Garden on this blog, but didn’t finish it, you may be curious to know where it went. The answer is simple: I took it down to prepare it for publication. It will be released in the near future for Kindle and paperback versions on Amazon.

In the meantime, I’ll return to this blog with more fiction soon. And if you haven’t read my other novels yet, please click here to visit my author page on Amazon. I encourage you to click on the book cover shown on Amazon to read several chapters of any of my novels before you buy. Usually, if the preview holds your interest, the novel will too.

My most popular novel so far is Hags with Fulfillment a close second. I find this interesting because Steel Pennies is the one I expected to achieve the greatest success. If you want to know why Steel Pennies is a must read, please click over to Amazon and read the free portion. Steel Pennies simply holds your attention and doesn’t let go. Click here to check it out.

My most popular short story so far is Little Miss Forgotten. I believe it’s the title that grabs people’s attention. Little Miss Forgotten is a fun story about war, peace, death and slumming angels. It’s a love story set in the Vietnam era, but don’t let the time stop you. Little Miss Forgotten is a timeless love story you’ll enjoy. Another story, one that readers often overlook in selecting one to purchase, is Egbert. Egbert is Chicago’s most unlikely vampire and a fun read.

Three Ways to Settle an Argument

Insults, silence, Olympian detachment – Hildegard Finkbottom had it all. The insults worked well with the Olympian detachment but the silence was deadly. You could ask her late husband, Broinkton Finkbottom about that, but, oh dear, he died. As did that pesky insurance salesman who refused to take his foot out of the front door and ended up disturbing Hidegard’s Olympian detachment. She started with insults, but names like “used car salesman” “dumb jerk” and “politician” proved ineffective. The silence of death worked, and he fit nicely into the garden next to her husband. The flowers that year were the delight of the neighborhood.

THE END

Speaking of Olympian detachment, the next great adventure of Jude Nerdworthy, Teenaged Monster Fighter, begins on this blog next week. The title is: No Space for Vampires or They Came From Out There. What happens when a vampire and his victim are kidnapped by a flying saucer? Find out next week. If you are new to the Jude Nerdworthy stories, please click here to read his most recent adventure.

For your immediate reading pleasure, may I suggest my October focus novel Hags? It has the demonology and witchcraft adventure necessary to make your Halloween reading scary without the chainsaws, long bloody knives or hockey goalie masks you see every year at this time. Click on the front cover of Hags on Amazon to read a lengthy chunk of it free. Please click here.

How Fast is the Story Pace?

Do you prefer fiction that starts slowly and gradually speeds up the story pace? Or would you rather read a story paced to rush you through an exciting journey from the first sentence on?

I like to start my stories in the middle of the action. I’ll catch you up on the details later. I bring you into the drama like a person entering a room where a teenage girl is about to pull the trigger on a boy she has a crush on. Why would she do that? Well, you’ll have to wait for me to finish my current Work in Progress (WIP) to find out. You won’t know the answer for sure until you read the third book in this new madcap series.

Some stories need extra time to set up. Alfred Hitchcock was a master of the slow introduction as seen in the movies Psycho and The Birds. But once the story is setup, it takes off at lightning speed. That’s because fantastic journeys are rarely languid. There’s simply too much to maintain a slow pace.

My other novels begin in medias res, which is the fancy way of saying in the middle of the action. Fulfillment opens the Christmas story in an unexpected place. Instead of starting with the Annunciation, it opens with Mary receiving a visit from the demons bent on preventing the birth of Christ. From the first sentence, you know this will be no goody-goody child’s story. It’s the frightening truth of the age old battle between God and his arch nemesis Satan.

Hags, my focus novel this month, opens with a young man who wakes up one night to discover a dead body in the dumpster behind his house. Steel Pennies opens with a teenager who discovers a human skull on the ground. By starting in the middle of the action, the author sets up a fast paced journey that carries you along from start to finish.

Check out Hags for only $.99 this month for your Kindle. It’s a great Halloween read. Please click here.

Novel Quote
“The man hovered about fifty feet above the parking lot behind Micah’s tiny backyard near the row of green dumpsters.”
Hags by Paul R. Lloyd

Extraordinary Characters

It isn’t enough to make the characters real in speculative fiction. At least some of them have to be fantastic. For example, do you see that tall, thin man sipping black brew here in the coffee shop where you sit now reading this blog post on your tablet? He appears normal enough, doesn’t he? But he is a fairie with beautiful filigree wings hidden under that business-like collar shirt he’s wearing. Go ahead and follow him when he leaves. He doesn’t have a car in the parking lot. He’ll walk around the corner to that dark alley across the street where he’ll strip off his shirt, spread his wings and fly to the office.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, ordinary stories feature ordinary characters in ordinary situations. Speculative fiction may have its share of ordinary characters, but you also find a few extraordinary characters in extraordinary places doing extraordinary things. And like any good story, not all the characters survive.

My current work in progress (WIP) fits neatly into the speculative fiction box because it covers a wide range of storytelling with elements of science fiction when a space alien is marooned on earth and has to fit in with the other teenagers at the local high school, fantasy as a group of friends venture into time travel that leads them through an underworld of strange and amazing creatures, a romance as two star-crossed lovers seek to find their way, horror as the friends battle monsters as evil as any straight out of Hades, and historical fiction as the time travelers spend months in different periods.

My focus novel for this month is Hags. It’s the story of fantastic characters from the faerie like the one described above to the regular-looking guy who moved back to Naperville, Illinois, after 15 years in prison, to the girl next door who… well, we’re not sure at the beginning of the story… but could she be a hag as wicked as any from the Middle Ages? And what about the local high school principal? The principal is your pal unless you happen to be a teenage girl. Need I say more? As my focus novel for October, Hags is only $.99 for the Kindle edition this month. Click here to purchase.

Novel Quote
“The creature wore blue jeans and a red shirt tucked into his waistband as he flitted about from golden daffodils to blue forget-me-nots like a bee shopping for nectar.”
Hags by Paul R. Lloyd