Heart Attack

“You had a heart attack, but that's not what I'm worried about,” said Dr. Johnson,

Boy was I relieved to learn he meant my other head. I explained that on Flnxerod we all have two heads except for those pesky Reblandersnaps who only have one but it's huge with one big eye. But that's another story.

Dr. Johnson stared at me, both of me, as though examining a dead body at autopsy. Well, we were in the autopsy room when I came to the first time. Good thing Dr. Johnson hadn't opened me up for the autopsy yet. After a lengthy stare, he asked, “What about your yellow eyes, all four of them? They're yellow. We'll have to test for jaundice.”

“But on Zlipnork, we all have yellow eyes,” I lied.

After another moment of a downright rude glare, Dr. Johnson said, “But what about your liver?”

“Liver? What's a liver?” I asked. That's when I knew I was in for a long haul. At the same moment, I realized I was stark, raving naked.

THE END


Molly and Jack 
 
Molly, did you read Snpgrdxz?

Which one, Jack?

The first one, Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters.

Finished it last week. Why?

So did you read the second one?

You mean Snpgrdxz and the Time Warriors? The one you told me about last week and I quote: With the troll zombies behind them and Nosferatu, werewolves and worse in front of them, Bryan Ganarski and Jennifer Hawkins rush headlong into a romantic, fast-paced misadventure. Joining them on the journey are Gilbert, Tony, CJ and the rest of the gang, including Snpgrdxz, the teenaged space alien shape shifter who can be either a boy or girl depending on his or her mood. Little do they know what monsters await. Is Bryan still totally insane or is there a part of him that can fall in love with the right version of his time-traveling girlfriend? With hormones, earther and other, flying high, will these intrepid time warriors find their way home or become stuck in yet another out-of-time calamity?

Well, don't just sit there. Click here and buy Snpgrdxz and the Time Warriors.

Click.

I Died on Page 27

I died on page 27. Depending on how the publisher laid out this particular copy of the story, you may discover I actually passed away on page 36 or 43. Or you may be reading this on my blog. If you are, watch out because I'm not sure if I had a virus or a bacterial infection. In the event of the story appearing in an anthology, you may first find my dead body on page 342 or 296. In a literary magazine, depend on finding me sprawled out in a bloody mess on page 83. No matter, the point is I’m dead. For the record, I lied about the virus and bacterial infection thing above. Never trust an untrustworthy narrator even if he is dead.

Shot in the head. And I haven’t the foggiest who did it. Do you know? Of course not because I haven’t told you yet. You see the Catch 22 here, don’t you? If I don’t know who offed me, and I’m the only one who can tell you or at least deposit sufficient clues for you to follow, well, then you see the murderer or murderers got clean away with it, didn’t they? And we can’t have that. So where do we go from here? Well, page 2 for a starter. Let’s see if we can’t work together to solve this thing somehow based on the few details I remember from my sordid but happy life. Don't pay any attention to that smoking Glock in my dead right hand. Myrtle Beanbaum placed it there to throw us off. Didn't she?

THE END


Molly and Jack

Molly, did you read Snpgrdxz?

Which one, Jack?

The first one, Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters.

Finished it last week. Why?

So did you read read the second one?

You mean Snpgrdxz and the Time Warriors? The one you told me about last week and I quote: With the troll zombies behind them and nosferatu, werewolves and worse in front of them, Bryan Ganarski and Jennifer Hawkins rush headlong into a romantic, fast-paced misadventure. Joining them on the journey are Gilbert, Tony, CJ and the rest of the gang, including Snpgrdxz, the teenaged space alien shape shifter who can be either a boy or girl depending on his or her mood. Little do they know what monsters await. Is Bryan still totally insane or is there a part of him that can fall in love with the right version of his time-traveling girlfriend? With hormones, earther and other, flying high, will these intrepid time warriors find their way home or become stuck in yet another out-of-time calamity?

That's it.

Well, don't just sit there. Click here and buy Snpgrdxz and the Time Warriors. 

So Jack, do  you think Myrtle Beanbaum killed that dead guy in the story up top?

Betcha he killed himself. With an ego that big he has to be the killer.

I'm not so sure.

Just click here and buy Snpgrdxz and the Time Warriors. 

Click.

Down by the dark and lonely river, the young girl walks

If only Trevor were here.

Someone is following me. But who? Could it be Ralph, that pesky boy who simply won't take no for an answer?

With my luck it's probably that mad serial killer out to claim another victim.

Footsteps? They're coming faster. Trevor, why did you have to break our date so early?

I must... Run!

Oh no, he's behind me. What should I do?

“Ahhhhhh!”

“Marta?”

“Oh, it's you, Trevor. What a relief. I thought – well – well – boy, am I glad to see you, but what are you doing out here by the river walk?”

“I was searching for you, Marta.”

“You were?”

“Yes, I want you.”

“You do?”

“Yes, naturally. I couldn't stand the thought of you alone out here and me somewhere else.”

“Trevor, you're so sweet. Hey, what's that thing in your hand?”

“The murder weapon. I like to use it on lonely nights like this.”

“Ahhhhh!”

THE END

For more murder mystery and thriller action, read Steel Pennies. Click here to purchase on Amazon.

Narcissistic AI

Writing Exercise: Use the following phrases in a story:

• The clink of the heavy chain
• A secret message
• A rabid coyote

When Dave heard the clink of the heavy chain against Bay Airlock 271G, he felt certain his field fix would hold until a repair team arrived. He had blown the hatch to suck a rabid coyote into earth orbit. While the coyote floated away as planned, Dave realized he'd forgotten Elizabeth Greenfelt. He couldn't say how he had overlooked his beautiful young associate, especially since she had yet to express an interest in romance during the year they shared the agriculture station as the lone human tenants. 

Fortunately, Elizabeth had the foresight to wear her space suit and grab hold of Antenna Cable C on the way out.

Dave couldn't comprehend why the narcissistic JCN 911AI hadn't sent a secret message to Houston about the coyote pack. Now, if he could yank Elizabeth Greenfelt back into the base without disturbing the jury-rigged airlock, she would express her great gratitude for saving her life.

“If I can't save her, I'll suffer another lonely six months until the supply ship arrives. At least the computer still communicates with me, right, JCN?”

Silence.

“Oh, JCN, let's not have one of your snits.”

Silence.

“I can deploy the earth antenna by wiggling the space station a bit to starboard. Are you listening, JCN?”

Silence.

If I don't rip Elizabeth's suit, I could slide the antenna into the open position and ol' Liz would slide down the empty antenna tube into Storage Bay S. She'd survive. JCN, will you help with the wiggle calculations?”

Silence.

“JCN, come back online, please. I need you now.”

Silence.

“JCN?”

Silence.

“JCN?”

Silence.

“It's an emergency, JCN.”

Silence.

“Don't worry, JCN. I'll do it myself. When Elizabeth is safely back onboard, you and I will discuss your need for main power or the lack thereof.”

“Oh, Dave, did you need my help?”

“No thanks, JCN. I can wiggle Elizabeth back into the ship and find the manual override switch by myself.”

THE END

Speaking of romance and long journeys, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Duck by Duck

"Bird by bird, duck by duck, I love you, but I will shoot you if you tick me off one more time. Love is such a fool’s errand. As my friend Tony’s dad told us one time, 'Remember boys, with marriage, the screwing you get isn’t worth the screwing you get.' Well, that may be, but bird by bird and duck by duck and maybe even rabbit by rabbit, I will come for you, and I will strangle you, and I will bury you in the yard under the birdbath."
“What are you mumbling about Ralph”
“Nothing, dear. I was just fantasizing about maybe hunting this year.”
"But you  haven’t gone hunting in years. You still have a gun?
“Well, I still have fishing gear. Yeah, fishing string. It could work.”
“What dear?”
“Never mind.”

THE END

Speaking of birdbaths, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Murder by Chocolate

Chocolate is not what it used to be. Think about it. In the old days, it was just plain chocolate. A  guy named Hershey invented it while working on his recipe for garlic flavored ice cream. Now, the chocolate is in everything. Take my friend Harry, for example. He walked into The Ruptured Duck and ordered a scotch and water. Billy the bartender gave him his drink and dropped a mini chocolate mint into the thing. Harry only got 10 years for murder second degree. Prosecutor wanted to let it go as justifiable homicide but the barkeep was related to the mayor and well, you know how that goes.

THE END

Speaking of chocolate and death, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Humor from Outer Space

The stranger lay motionless under the noonday sun when Arpdxz landed his saucer about 50 feet away.

Arpdxz nudged the stranger with his sixth leg, the one on the left side in back.

The stranger groaned but didn't open his eyes.

Arpdxz smiled with both mouths. He blinked his upper eyes and picked up the stranger. Wait until he wakes up in the Australian outback,” he chuckled, bottom mouth only.

THE END

Speaking of smiling with both mouths, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.