Fiction that explores the monsters and strangers among us.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


The mosquitoes have moved in. Have you noticed how nasty they are this year? We can’t use the front door because they’ve camped out there. We tried putting citronella plants around the door but the cardinals took them for their nest in the dryer vent. Now we finally have cleaner smelling clothes.

We go in and out the garage door these days. The mosquitoes say, “Oh, look, the big cave is open.” And they move in. Ever get bug squashes on your windshield? In the garage?

I fixed the mosquitoes. I stopped killing the spiders. You ever see a spider scratching an itch? Not a pretty sight. Now I have way too many spiders in the house, but you should see the fishnet covering the ceiling of our bedroom. Very romantic. The only problem is now the spiders get cold at night. They’re cold blooded, you know. So they move into the bed with us to warm up. It’s not so bad once you get used to the squishy sounds whenever you roll over. Or whenever the wife rolls over which is followed by the little scream. Squish, squish, ee-yeow!

And if you sleep with your mouth open, you won’t be hungry in the morning. Speaking of hunger, ever notice how much a spider can eat? See, they move into the bed because they’re cold. They curl up in your warmest place and go to sleep. Yeah, that’s right, the warmest place on your body. I told you they were cold blooded. Oh, and they get hungry in the middle of the night.

Do you know how long a spider bite lasts beyond when a mosquito bite goes away? So how do you keep mosquitoes out of your house? Let me know soon because I’m planning to evict the spiders.

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