Scary Humor

Friday, October 30, 2020

Vampire Grass

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Every neighborhood of a certain age had one: the haunted house that sat empty for at least a generation. What spooky critters wandered the halls of the long dead house late at night? What goblins cast their shadows from the dilapidated porch in the moonlight? Why did the house whisper “Stay away” in the breeze? What prompted the front lawn to welcome you with its well trimmed, weedless demeanor? Who cut that lawn anyway? And why did it twinkle in the sunshine?

Snitch, the Harrison's bloodhound from down the block, could have cared less who trimmed the lawn or what made it twinkle. A well-twinkled lawn deserved a tinkle or two in the hound's mind. Those disheveled dogwood bushes by the leaning front porch worked for Snitch's micturation purposes.

Snitch tugged Daniel Harrison, attorney at law, who was attached to the other end of Snitch's chrome-plated steel leash. Daniel ignored the aged, weather-stained “Keep Off the Grass” sign as he followed his hound with plastic bag in hand ready to render damage control of the brown ball kind. While Snitch went about his business, Daniel stood by like a good master until he felt the snap on his shoes. A vise-like grip rooted him in place. He whimpered. Tiny pins penetrated everywhere. Blood drained from his body onto the bright green grass. The ground opened.

To the casual passerby, the lawn twinkled in perfection except perhaps for that swollen spot the size of a grave near the dogwood bushes in front of the dilapidated porch. Nearby, a hound dog waited for his master in vain. The driver of the lawn treatment chemical truck certainly qualified as a casual passerby as she stopped in front of the old house to admire the new mound in the lawn. She smiled a near toothless grin and cackled her best mwa-ha-ha.

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