Fiction that explores the monsters and strangers among us.

Friday, June 7, 2013

No Need for Fangs, Marylou

  
To start at the beginning of this story, please click here.

Episode 9 of Jude Nerdworthy, Monster Fighter in Oh, No! My Girlfriend’s a Vampire.

Marylou Brombach’s four-inch semi-vampire fangs were within an inch of my neck when I lifted my left arm high in the air.

“Marylou, no need to bite. See, my vein leaked out of my cut.” It sounded as lame to me when I said it as it did to you as you read it, but I don’t write this stuff, so don’t blame me. Anyway, you’re probably not a semi-vampire, but Marylou was and a diet of fresh-sucked blood doesn’t have a positive impact on your intelligence.

Marylou jumped back startled. Why? Who knows. I’d have gone for the jugular myself. Anyway, she did startle perhaps due to my voice sounding so strong with no hint of fear. Or she actually liked my Don Knotts imitation.

Marylou smiled as she retracted her fangs. “Jude, you’re so considerate. That’s one of the reasons I’ve always been attracted to you. And you’re blood tastes so sweet, doesn’t it? I only had a little sip last time we were together. Let me check that cut of yours. Oh, yes, I see. The doctor didn’t do a very good job of sewing you up, did he? Well, I’ll fix him right after I suck your blood. Oh, don’t worry, you won’t die. You’ll merely be undead or maybe you’ll be a semi-vampire like me. I think it’s like being an apprentice.”

Marylou popped my fake vein into her mouth and sucked hard. She took in a mouthful of the garlic, olive oil and holy water mixture. She flew across the room, landing on her back by the front door. She passed out with smoke arising from her mouth, nose and ears.

I pulled the bottle of anti-semi-vampire compound from my chest, tearing my skin as the tape peeled off and my actual blood oozed from my new wounds. I pulled off the stopper and ran to Marylou. She breathed heavily while continuing to smoke. I poured the liquid into her mouth.

She swallowed. Her eyes popped open. She gasped. “Wow, that stuff is good.”

Marylou grabbed the bottle from me and drank the remaining potion.

Marylou’s mom ran down the stairs and hugged her daughter.

Marylou glanced my way with love in her eyes and smoke pouring out her ears. “Thanks, Jude. That was tasty.”

Marylou had no memory of her time as a semi-vampire. And no memory of Becky Stewart kissing me. And no memory of drinking that awful brew, which meant she wanted to kiss me. But I could smell her garlic breath from across the room and about died.

THE END

Summer Reading Quote
“Ahlman folded his four gossamer wings.”
Paul R. Lloyd
Hags
  

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I Couldn’t Have Danced All Night

 
To start at the beginning of this story, please click here.

Episode 8 of Jude Nerdworthy, Monster Fighter in Oh, No! My Girlfriend’s a Vampire.

At four in the morning, my semi-vampire girlfriend, Marylou Brombach, sauntered through the front door wiping her hand across her mouth. She came into the dark living room. “Fee, fee, fi, fo, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a teenaged monster hunter.”

“Hi, Marylou. Hope you don’t mind if I waited up for you. I thought we should talk.” I played tunes on Mrs. Brombach’s old-fashioned boom box. The music was recorded on some kind of tape device from the last century. The music was totally out of date, but you could dance to it. I did my best Michael Jackson moonwalk to keep my concoction of olive oil, holy water and garlic well-mixed. The container was strapped to my chest with duct tape so it wouldn’t spill.

“Where’s the hammer and oak stake?” Marylou asked.

“No hammer, no wooden stake. Just me.”

“Excellent.” Marylou flew across the room, knocked me to the floor, and pinned me with her semi-vampire strength. Her four-inch fangs descended from her very wide open mouth.

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Summer Reading Quote
“How’d you like to age two years in a century?”
Paul R. Lloyd
Hags
  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Red dye, Beet Juice and a Blood Sucker

  
To start at the beginning of this story, please click here.

Episode 7 of Jude Nerdworthy, Monster Fighter in Oh, No! My Girlfriend’s a Vampire.

I volunteered as the Judas Goat in our attempt to reconvert Marylou Brombach to humanity. She was a semi-vampire in the tradition of Mordecai Blount and only an anti-semi-vampire concoction could save her.

We mixed the formula in my parent’s kitchen using equal parts crushed fresh garlic, olive oil and holy water. Since oil and water don’t mix, we had to keep shaking the mixture. To simulate blood, we added beet juice and a little red food coloring. The food coloring brightened the beet red to approximate fresh blood.

While Mrs. Brombach and Becky Stewart prepared the mixture, I fiddled around in the garage to affix a glass jar with a long tube which I passed through a rubber stopper. I “borrowed” the parts from Mr. Blinkmonger’s chemistry class. To the end of the plastic tube I attached a length of cow vein using duct tape and spit. I had obtained the blood vessel from the meat market in downtown Wheaton.

We filled the jar with the anti-semi-vampire mixture and ran a little through the tube and cow blood vessel hookup so it would flow immediately when sucked. We then duct taped the jar to my chest with the tube and blood vessel taped to my arm. The blood vessel appeared to have slipped out from under my bandages covering the stitches on my arm. With the setup complete, Mrs. Brombach drove me to her house.

Mrs. Brombach went to bed while I waited in the dark living room for Marylou to return from her evening of bloodlust. Our plan depended on her having enough blood frenzy left over when she returned home to be glad to see me.

She did.

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Summer Reading Quote
“I got intimate with her, not personal.”
Paul R. Lloyd
Hags
  

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Mordecai Blount’s Book of the Undead

  
To start at the beginning of this story, please click here.

Episode 6 of Jude Nerdworthy, Monster Fighter in Oh, No! My Girlfriend’s a Vampire.

Mrs. Brombach led us to the reference section of the Warrenville Public Library where she fumbled around the old books on a back shelf until she pulled a tome that was about 18 inches high by 12 inches wide. Mrs. Brombach blew the dust off the faded brown leather cover, but the title was worn away. She opened the book to the title page.

Mordecai Blount’s Book of the Undead was written by the infamous Warrenville citizen who was accused of murdering a half-dozen teenagers back before the First World War. Blount escaped the DuPage County jail and was never seen again.

Mrs. Brombach turned to the table of contents and dragged her finger down the list of chapters until she came to “Vampires.” One of the sections of that particular chapter was “Semi-Vampires.” She turned to page 666 as indicated in the table of contents. Near the bottom of that page, she read:

“Semi-vampires are people not completely turned into vampires, as the name implies. To turn them completely, kill them using the usual methods of blood sucking, poison, strangulation or physical violence. Be aware that monster fighters may try to save your semi-vampire by turning them back to their natural human state. This is accomplished by feeding them a combination of garlic, olive oil and holy water.”

“How much of each do we use?” Becky asked.

“Doesn’t say,” Mrs. Brombach said. “We’ll have to guess.”

“How will we get Marylou to drink such a concoction when she prefers blood?” I asked.

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Summer Reading Quote
“If you admire my legs, don’t ever offer me dessert.”
Paul R. Lloyd
Hags
  

Monday, June 3, 2013

Marylou Brombach’s Mom to the Rescue


To start at the beginning of this story, please click here.

Episode 5 of Jude Nerdworthy, Monster Fighter in Oh, No! My Girlfriend’s a Vampire.

Marylou’s four-inch fangs and eighteen-inch tongue were convincing enough, but when she turned into a giant bat, I knew my girlfriend had become a vampire. But at the ER where my step-sister from 1958 had taken me, Marylou Brombach’s mom saved the day and the night.

“We need to talk,” Mrs. Brombach said.

I smiled through Vicodin and the thirty-five stitches needed to close my wounded left arm. I was dizzy from blood loss but succeeded in convincing my mom and dad to turn down the doctor’s invitation to spend the night in the hospital. I didn’t remember Mom and Dad arriving at the ER, but I knew when they left because I was alone with Becky Stewart and Mrs. Brombach.

“I don’t want to kill her,” I said through the Vicodin haze.

“I know,” said Mrs. Brombach. “I don’t either. That’s why I’m glad Marylou is not a vampire yet.”

“Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…” Becky said.

“Right, but she’s neither a duck nor a vampire,” Mrs. Brombach insisted.

“Then what is she?” asked Becky, my 1958 stepsister.

“She’s a semi-vampire, a creature that hasn’t un-died yet, but has all the characteristics of a vampire. She can still be turned back from her vampire ways. You can’t be undead unless you’re dead first.”

“I don’t think it works that way in the movies,” Becky said.

“Movies don’t count,” I said. “Besides, you’ve missed more than six decades of monster movies, not to mention Stephen King’s entire body of work.

“And does Mr. King mention semi-vampires?” Becky asked.

“Mrs. Brombach mentioned it and that’s good enough for me,” I said.

“I’ll show you,” Mrs. Brombach said.

We followed Mrs. Brombach’s pickup back to Warrenville from the hospital to the library. Unfortunately it was almost closing time, but the door wasn’t locked yet.

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Summer Reading Quote
“She waited for what other girls said always came next.”
Paul R. Lloyd
Hags