Where is Snpgrdxz?

My new novel was supposed to be launched the other day, but one of my characters hi-jacked my blog when I wasn’t looking. Claiming to be my nephew, which he’s not, this young character told you more than you should know about Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters and most of it may or may not have been true.

By focusing on his own adventures, Bryan Ganarski neglected to introduce you to Snpgrdxz, the space alien teenage space shifter. Bryan pretty much does this in my novel also. He’s supposed to be Boswell to Snpgrdxz’s Samuel Johnson. But instead he spends way too much time telling you about Jennifer Hawkins, the sophomore he has this huge crush on.

With Bryan you learn more about Jennifer than you want to know, like the location of that birthmark she’d prefer to keep to herself and the multiple versions of herself. That was supposed to be kept secret. Wait until the NSA hears about that one. They don’t believe in time travel in Washington. If they did, they’d figure out how to balance the budget, but that’s another story.

According to my outline, Snpgrdxz is supposed to be the story of an alien shape shifter stuck on earth for decades. His big problem is the U.S. government which wants to capture him so they can slice, dice and dissect him. Bryan Ganarski is supposed to run away with Snpgrdxz and record his adventures while narrowly escaping the men in black.

But that’s not what happened.

Teenagers.

Who knew there was a time portal hidden under Lincoln High School in downtown Wheaton, Illinois? Well, actually the trolls knew about it.

And Maria Gonzalez obviously when the trolls kidnapped her.

And Mr. Romano, the art teacher, must have known about it because he’s the one who led the gang to the Wheaton When Portal in the first place. But none of this has anything to do with running away from those pesky guys in the black suits.

Oh well. That’s what you get when you leave a kid in charge of your story.

Go ahead and read this sci/fi time journey adventure romance thing. I have to admit the love story is romantic, except for the parts where people get shot at… and hit by real bullets. And attacked by monsters. But hey… no wait. You know too much already.

Just read the darn thing and you can let me know how you liked it later. Meanwhile, I’ll see what I can do to bring back that part about the feds chasing Snpgrdxz in a future novel in this series.

Click here.

Snpgrdxz Has Landed

Jennifer Hawkins crept into my room last night and plopped on my bed. We talked after midnight on a school night. In her jammies. Bare legs hanging out. That Jennifer Hawkins. The one with the long, straight brunette hair and fat ruby lips and high cheek bones. A bit on the skinny side but tall. Principal Hawkins’ daughter. Old Mrs. Hawkins, the choir director at First Pres’s, daughter.

I know this stuff is hard to believe, but I swear I'm not making it up. My name is Bryan Ganarski, BTW, and I don't make stuff up unless my old man asks me a question.

You’re reading this because my Uncle Paul said I could use his blog account. There’s no way I’d post this where Jennifer Hawkins could see it. Or her mom or dad. Or any of her girlfriends. Or the guys. Well, I guess it's okay if the guys know.

I don’t even know why I’m telling you my story except Uncle Paul said everybody would figure it was just part of that new novel he wrote.

Right.

Like you can write a novel on a blog.

So there I was with Jennifer Hawkins, the prettiest sophomore at Lincoln High, getting mighty friendly at one-thirty in the morning. She grabbed my face in her hands and made me look up into her big, brown bedroom eyes. That’s what Uncle Paul calls girls with big eyes. Bedroom eyes. Especially if they’re all drooping and wet like you better hurry up and kiss me or something lame like that.

Uncles.

Anyway, Jennifer stared me eyeball-to-eyeball as I melted. “Hi, Bryan. Guess you’re wondering what I’m doing in your bedroom in the middle of the night, huh?”

“Kinda.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I like you.”

If you’re expecting a major make out session, you’d be right except this was all a freaking dream. The real story began when I opened my eyes, like I said in the middle of the night, except Jennifer Hawkins wasn’t making kissy face with me. 

In the real world, the teenage girl you have a crush on wakes you up late at night because she wants to blow your head off with the Glock she’s pointing your way.

Welcome to my world.

Yes, she pulls the trigger, but I’m not about to tell you anymore here because I’ve already used up my allotment of words for this blog post so you’ll just have to read it for yourself.

Who knows? Maybe Jennifer will love me tomorrow night.

Snpgrdxz.

And the Time Monsters.

Click here.

News Flash: Bad Decisions

Guest Post by Susan Price

Who doesn't enjoy complaining about Fools responding to Crises with Bad Decisions? News Flash: Bad Decisions, a party game currently under development by Diamond Dust Dreams, encourages you to enjoy doing that. This card game involves combining news-lead or headline sentence “teleprompt” cards with cards listing generic categories of famous (or infamous) people as the fools, crises ranging from mundane to outrageous, and flagrantly Bad Decisions for you to combine into amusing mini-stories.

News Flash: Bad Decisions plays like a cross between Apples to Apples® and Mad Libs®, with each prompt card playing differently every time because the News Anchor (judge) gets to set up every story. The finished game will have 200 cards each in the Fool, Crisis and Bad Decision decks - and 60 teleprompter cards. With a PG13 approach for selecting crises and bad decisions (from actual news stories), Diamond Dust Dreams expects its newest game will give the much racier Cards Against Humanity strong competition as the next must-have party game.

Diamond Dust Dreams is still in its startup phase. With substantial capital already tied up in printing its first game, Kitsune: of Foxes and Fools, the company has turned to Kickstarter to get News Flash: Bad Decisions off the ground. By contributing as little as $10 to the Kickstarter project, you’ll qualify for reward levels with direct input into the creation of additional Fool, Crisis, Bad Decision and Teleprompter cards. All supporters giving $10 or more may suggest topics for future Bad Decisions games, such as: horror movies (“went into the woods alone - at night”), thriller/scifi (“pressed the red button”), modern European history (“invaded Russia in winter”), and biotech (“cloned what?”).

The Kickstarter goal is $20,000, enough to cover the down-payment on a full production print run, so News Flash: Bad Decisions can go on press as soon as the team finishes proofing the final prompt and play decks, including cards suggested by Kickstarter supporters. Game stores are already expressing interest in News Flash: Bad Decisions, although even with the Kickstarter, the company cannot guarantee the game being delivered by Christmas 2014. That said, it could be printed in time to become the hot new Valentine’s Day gift in 2015.

Join our supporters and learn more by checking out the Kickstarter for News Flash: Bad Decisions. This Kickstarter ends September 21, 2014 so please click now. Send comments to Susan Price. 

***

About the Guest Author
Susan Price is a long-time editor and writer. She has edited both fiction and nonfiction books, including Brian Basilico’s book, It’s Not About You, It’s about Bacon, which was named the 2014 Small Business Book Awards Community Choice Winner in the category of Social Media. Her own fiction and poetry is as yet unpublished, although she did win a short story contest run through the Bloomingdale Public Library in 2000. Most of her writing and editing skills now focus on developing and promoting games for Diamond Dust Dreams Inc.


Snpgrdxz
Meanwhile, for a timely return to my world, Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters is ready to read. Visit Amazon and enjoy.

Cover Reveal -- Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters

It's time to unveil the cover or my new novel,  Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters. It's the first book in my new Snpgrdxz Series. The first three books in the series will be available in Kindle format right away with the paperback version available by next week. Here's a brief description of Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters...

From where she stood at the foot of my bed, fifteen-year-old Jennifer Hawkins couldn’t miss, but would this sweet girl shoot me?

What if one night that teenage girl you have a crush on appears at the foot of your bed, pistol in hand, and threatens to shoot you? But your best friend and a terrorist burst into your bedroom and kill her in the nick of time? But the next night this same girl shows up in your bed again? This time she’s ready for love. When did your dead crush become your girlfriend? Wild dreams? Since when did your nightmares leave actual bullet holes, dead bodies and blood stains behind?

Join the crazy journey of Bryan Ganarski, Jennifer Hawkins, Gilbert Armstrong, and of course, Snpgrdxz, the teenaged space alien shape shifter who can be either a boy or girl depending on his or her mood. Hormones fly, earther and other, in this madcap misadventure. Is Bryan totally insane or is there a part of him that can still fall in love with one of the many versions of his time-traveling girlfriend? And will Bryan work up the gumption to kiss Jennifer in front of the whole sophomore class like she asked him to? She did ask him, didn’t she?

This love-crazed tale of time travel features a group of friends who become stuck between the wrong time on earth and a troll world filled with monsters far worse than those pesky tiny bridge trolls and the really tall, hairy mountain trolls. An evil daemon, werewolves, nosferatu, and a few ghosts are among the many monsters waiting for you in Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters.


My new novel should be ready for purchase by the time you read this. Visit my author's page on Amazon to buy it. UPDATE: YOU MAY PURCHASE SNPGRDXZ AND THE TIME MONSTERS BY CLICKING HERE.

In the meantime, here's the cover:

Meet Jennifer Hawkins

Jennifer Hawkins is a fifteen-year-old sophomore this year at Lincoln High School in Wheaton, Illinois. For this interview, she wore a Christian t-shirt with extremely small, tight shorts. She has long, straight brunette hair and fat ruby lips and high cheek bones. A bit on the skinny side but tall, Jennifer has a light brown birthmark splotch on her left thigh. The spot has the shape of a map of Italy with the boot facing the wrong way. There is no mistaking the sweet, soft voice of Jennifer Hawkins or the shade of her dark green eyes and her rosy, high cheekbones.

Jennifer, how are you today?
Okay, I guess. You know, it’s a nice day out. I wore my shorty to school.

What’s it like in high school?
It’s the best. I’m like a sophomore this year so I’m hip to what’s going on and it’s, you know, I get to hang with the cool kids.

So do you have a boyfriend?
My over protective parents don’t allow me to date yet so no.

But you like someone in particular, right?
I don’t have a boyfriend. I told you I can’t date yet. Ask me that question next year.

So you’re not into boys yet?
Didn’t say that, did I? Boys are hot, especially upper classmen, like juniors and seniors. Seniors are really mature, you know what I mean? They get it when it comes to what a girl likes and they all have their own cars. When I’m old enough to date, I’ll only date seniors.

So if you can’t date until next year, are you scouting this year’s juniors?
Scouting? I’m not above checking out a boy’s bottom, but I’m like a good girl. A Christian. No I don’t think about boys. Well, maybe once in a while if I meet a hot one. You know, good looking. I’m not talking about hopping in bed hot. I just mean good looking, attractive. Dynamite buns.

Anyone in particular?
I have my eye on a boy or two, but like I said, no dating this year. I don’t want to date. My parents are right. You start dating too soon and the girl ends up pregnant or broken hearted. I want to wait. See, I have my chastity ring. I’m waiting for marriage. And I’m going to college, so boys can wait.

Care to name any names of hot boys in the junior class who might be on your checkout list for next year?
What’s your hang up with boys? Why do you care who I like. You’re a little old to be asking so many boy questions. What are you, a perv or what?

Sorry. You know how it is when you write a novel. You have to write about people you know and so I want to learn what I can about you including your likes and dislikes.
Can’t you just wait to find out like everybody else? Write the damn story and see for yourself who I like. Sorry, I said damn. It just slipped out.

Okay, let’s move on. It’s just that, you know, I’m talking to the boys and your name did come up.
Really? Who?

(Smiles)
Oh, I get it. You can’t tell me. But so tell me anyway. No, let me guess. I bet it was either Bryan Ganarski or Gilbert Armstrong. I spotted them checking me out at youth group last week.

Do they qualify as hot?
One of them does. Don’t know about the other.

***

Curious to learn more about Jennifer Hawkins?

Snpgrdxz…

What Makes a Good Character Good?

Writing style and a good story arc keep you reading a novel, but what really holds your interest is a compelling main character. You relate to the main character as a new found friend with a story to tell, one that is well worth hearing. What is it about the main character that makes him or her so interesting?

The main character of a novel has a personality that you can relate to, whether he’s a hard-boiled private eye or she’s a sweet teenager falling in love for the first time. The main character has a certain look that attracts you. She may be a pretty brunette. Or he may be a hawk-nosed, scar-faced battler.

Beyond personality and looks, the main character has a huge problem which makes the story interesting. And the problem has two facets to it like two sides of a coin. Side one is the problem you see right away as a reader. Will that skinny teenage girl pull the trigger and end the main character’s life on page one? With one wild event after another, is he going crazy?

Side two is the hidden or secret problem you don’t know about until later in the story. Is he a coward? What does he do about his cowardice? How does he learn to become brave or does he?

What do you find compelling about the main characters in the stories you read or write?

Speaking of characters…

Snpgrdxz!

How to Find a Writing Class

This question came up in the writer’s group I lead: “What’s a good way to find writing classes other than week-long retreats in Montana? Something closer to home would help.”

If you live in Montana, this is less of a problem, isn’t it? For us Midwesterners, here are some ways to learn more about the craft of writing closer to home:

Chicago Writers Conference: An excellent writers conference for all genres. Learn, mix, mingle and enjoy. This conference will open the door for you into the Chicago writing world. Registration open now for the October conference. http://www.chicagowritersconference.org/
Write to Publish Conference: This one is focused on the Christian market, but the classes are excellent.  http://www.writetopublish.com/
American Christian Fiction Writers: This is an online Christian writer’s group that offers the best online writing resources I’ve seen. And it’s one-stop shopping for all your writing needs. It’s Christian, but the access to learning opportunities may make joining worth it for non-Christians who don’t mind the Christian market focus. You’ll meet a lot of Christian romance writers along with writers of every genre. http://www.acfw.com/
Join a critique group: Members will educate you when you screw up. Your local library may have a list. Also check with your local book store if one still exists in your area. If you can’t find a writers group, start one. See next item for one way to start one.
Community College Writing or Lit Classes: Get friendly with the profs. Invite them to lunch, breakfast or coffee meetups. I’ve heard of writing classes evolving into writing groups so if you can’t find a group, you may be able to start one with the other members of your local writing or lit class.
Join the association for your genre: There is a professional association related to all genres. Some are better than others. Most focus on serving the established professionals who are conventionally published. Find them through a Google search. An example is Mystery Writers of America.
Volunteer Beta Reader: Online publications sometimes need readers to go through the over supply of submissions they can’t possibly get to. Seek out publications serving the genre you write in. This service may lead to contacts and education opportunities.
Teach: Developing a lesson and teaching it is the best way to retain your learning of the topic. Use the above resources to gain the info you need.

Try a Google search if you simply want to learn more about a specific writing topic, like “What’s a plot arc?” You’ll discover blog posts and articles dealing with the topic. Since writers like to blog about writing topics, you may find bloggers you want to follow.

Speaking of genre fiction, I have three novels out that cross horror, thriller and historical fiction genres. For my next novel, I combined all three into one story. I also blended in sci fi/fantasy and romance so it's a mishmash of genres that add up to Snpgrdxz...

Move the Plot Forward

For those times you find yourself unable to push down the pesky keys, move the plot forward. You know what has to come next in your story, so describe your ensuing scene. Begin with a description of the location and then move on to dialogue. Don’t worry about the quality of your writing. All you want to do at this point is put the facts down on your computer. You will come back later and polish your writing.

Here’s another way to write out of a block, especially if you don’t really know what comes next in your story. Push two of your characters out on stage and get them talking to each other. Treat the scene like a blind date where the conversation is always awkward at first. Within a few lines, the dialogue will turn golden as your characters become comfortable. If you need to describe the next scene before the dialogue can begin, then start writing about the location as I mentioned earlier in this article.

When blocked, don’t worry about the poetry of your words or the logic of your description or even if you are covering all the bases in your description. Just begin listing what has to be mentioned, but do so in sentence form. The idea is to focus on the facts of the story. Putting down the facts will lead you to write them in your natural story-telling style.

The key to successfully completing a novel is to keep on writing no matter what. Don’t stop because you feel blocked. Deny the existence of writer’s block. I do. Press the keys no matter what.

Comments welcome, even if you feel blocked. In the meantime, Snpgrdxz...

How to Get Back on Track

Are you trapped in a never-ending break from your writing? Writers occasionally need to recharge the batteries that power creativity. Here's a trick for rebooting your writing activity.

Commit to a schedule
Commit to a set time every day when you will sit and write. Make it specific like 7 to 7:15 am. Set aside 15 minutes to begin. Stay with it for at least a month even if most days you sit and stare. Sitting and staring is part of the writing process. So is clicking keys on a keyboard when you have nothing to write about just to see what gets clicked.

When I mention the 15-minute solution in my presentations, someone will ask if it’s okay to write longer than 15 minutes. I tell them that is the whole idea of setting aside 15 minutes. You can’t write for such a short amount of time. But the brief schedule will allow you to start. It's easier to obligate yourself to 15 minutes of writing than staring for a couple of hours. With such a brief commitment, you’ll find it easier to press the keys on your keyboard.

Next time we’ll discuss another way to stay on top of your writing.

In the meantime: Snpgrdxz.

Looking for Inspiration?

You are pumping out words by the truckload when you suddenly find yourself with the valve shut off. Some writers call this “Writer’s Block.” Others just think of it as a lack of motivation. Here is something to think about that may help you get your fingers dancing across the keyboard again.

Commit to the process
Take a long walk or whatever else you do when you want to think about yourself as a writer. Is writing important to you? Two truths in life for you to consider:

We buy what we really, truly want. And we do so without regard to cost or budget. There are limits of course, but for items up to about $100, we purchase what we want and say we can’t afford it for the things that are not important to us.

We do what we truly want to do. And we do so without regard to the amount of time it takes. Is there something else you enjoy more or are more passionate about that you do? Writing requires a time commitment. Take time to sit and stare at the keyboard even if you can't think of a thing to write.

If you are not putting in the time it takes to write your story, ask yourself if writing is what you truly want to do. We all need a break on occasion to recharge our writing energies, juices, enthusiasm, etc. If you are on break, don’t worry about it. Breaks can last from a few days to a few months. But at some point, you have to get back on track.

Next time we’ll deal with ways to get back on track.

Thought for the day: Snpgrdxz.

Brains, Guts and Money

Success in any human endeavor requires brains, guts and money. Throw in a bit of luck if you want along with a dollop of right place, right time. There you have it, the things that separate the folks in those big suburban houses and the rest of us. Let’s take these one at a time.

Brains aren’t about pure intelligence which usually is just an accumulation of facts combined with a razor sharp memory. True brains involve creativity, both kinds. One type of creative mind discovers a better way to build a bridge or cure cancer. The other type produces great art like poetry, paintings or music. It's about problem solving versus considering the possibilities.

Intestinal fortitude, visceral experience, gut-wrenching – use whatever term pleases you for those times when you simply have to reach deep inside for the strength to act decisively with an unusual solution. Writers need the guts to pursue their calling despite the low likelihood of financial success. All artists face this dilemma. How do you sacrifice the time it takes to create art when the chance of actually selling stuff is so low? Maybe you should go back to college to become an engineer.

Speaking of no money, it takes a financial nest egg to fund a heavy duty marketing campaign for your next book. Should you keep your precious resources locked up in retirement savings and investments? Or should you pluck it down on an expensive PR counselor with no assurance of a return on your investment?

Brains, guts and money separates successful authors from the also rans. Go ahead and throw in a pound or two of luck if you wish. I mentioned luck and right time, right place above. But if you think luck alone will put you on the best seller lists, forget about it.

Blood Fever

The afternoon wind blew cool through the trees when we spotted Nazis dug in along the hilltop. Bobby prepared his company to take up the right flank. Captain McNeil would lead the charge on the left. The center was mine. Bobby and McNeil knew to charge on my signal. I waited until they positioned their troops.

I glanced at Captain McNeil and Bobby before checking the Nazi line where the infamous telltale shape of a Nazi battle helmet glared off a ray of sunshine streaming through the trees. I aimed my M1 and squeezed off a spurt of lead. My right shoulder absorbed the recoil. I watched as the head exploded into brains, skull fragments and blood.

Bobby charged the hill on the signal. He yelled for all he was worth. Sergeant Logan jogged at his side while barking orders to the enlisted men. I gawped around for Captain McNeill and spotted a company of men in olive drab combat fatigues storm the hill on the left.

The trees swayed back and forth like a Saturday night drunk back home on Gay Street. I smelled blood in the air as I stood up, raised my rifle, and felt the impact of a bullet ping off my helmet, but I didn’t let that stop me. “Cheee-arrrge!” I screamed and four battalions of crack Army infantry rose to their feet and advanced on the center of the battlefield.

The Nazis had three machine gun nests set up at the top of the hill, but Bobby had already grenaded one of them. I owed him a drink for beating me to the top again. Captain McNeill launched grenade upon grenade into the machine gun nest on the left side of the hill. I advanced straight for the one in the center while bullets whistled by.

The trouble with leading an uphill charge was the bullets zinged past in both directions. I dropped to the ground about a grenade lob away from the center machine gun nest. There was a rock where my knee landed and I felt instant pain. I thought at first it was a bullet. I had been through this before. If it hurt a lot, it was a flesh wound, and you kept going. If there was not much pain, you were probably dying. Call the medic and keep shooting.

I rolled on my left side, dropped the M1, pulled a grenade from my belt and grabbed the pin with my teeth to yank it out. I spit the pin on the ground where it bounced once. I let the handle fly off the grenade and counted... one... two... three... and tossed. It exploded as it crossed over the sandbags protecting the machine gun nest in front of me. One of the Nazis flew out of the nest like a bird. The others were just body parts and blood. The machine gun became silent.

I took a gander at the remaining machine gun nests and saw Captain McNeill bayonating the last of the enemy on the hill. I examined my knee and shouted, “Oh crud, Medic!” I would have said something a lot worse, but Mom would have skinned me alive, and besides, crud was a four-letter word. Bobby ran down the hill and scrutinized my injury. When we were not soldiers, Bobby headed surgery at West Chester Memorial.

“You’re left knee is scraped. Could be a bullet in there. I better operate.” Bobby declared.

I yanked my pants leg back down. “Nah, leave it in there. It’ll make a great story for my grandchildren.”

“Good idea,” Bobby responded. “I didn’t bring my doctor kit. I’d have to use a sharp rock and my hatchet. Want to chase Confederates?”

THE END

The story above serves as back story to my novel Steel Pennies. If you want to know more about young people and “blood fever,” click here.

West Chester, Pennsylvania

Some places haunt the soul no matter where we send our thoughts to hide. Choices made long ago rise out of the soil and tarmac of a place to accuse us. Our decisions hold us bound to a place.

If the streets of West Chester, Pennsylvania, could speak, Walnut Street between Market and Minor would still whisper names I once knew.

“Loco, loco!” calls the voice of High Street in front of the big bank in the center of the block between Gay and Market. West Chester is one of the few towns in America where you can drive in High and cruise out Gay.

“Loco, loco!” cries Will Barnes, the Black voice selling The Daily Local News outside the bank. Except in those days he wasn’t Black or African-American or even a person of color. He was Colored or Negro.

“Loco, loco!”

To my best friend at that time, Bob Durkin, an Irish kid like me, Will Barnes’s cry brought fear. To me it was like the scary movies at the Harrison Theater on Gay Street that spring and summer of 1960, films too frightening not to worry a kid with imagination, but so bad they couldn’t help but make you laugh.

If Walnut Street could speak of that time, the blacktop would reach up like Will Barnes and cry its own “Loco, loco.”

One of the games we played that summer was called Love. Walnut Street still whispers, “Tommy McConnell loves Penny Durkin.”

“Loco, loco!”

Yet Walnut Street between Market and Minor murmurs in an even softer voice as though the words were somehow forbidden or that the whispering of them will return the horror that only the tarmac and I know.

“Loco, loco!”

THE BEGINNING

The story alluded to above is my novel Steel Pennies. If you want to know more about “the horror that only the tarmac and I know,” click here.

Where Babies Come From

I know where babies come from. Do you? My big brother Jimmy told me all about it. Jimmy said one day Mommy got sad ‘cause she didn’t have a boy friend. You know what Mommy did? Jimmy said she decided to meet a man named Daddy and so she did. Daddy made Mommy happy. That’s because Daddy was nice to her. Daddy bought her stuff. And Daddy took her places like the movies. Then one day Daddy took Mommy to church. That’s when they got married. That made Mommy and Daddy so happy.

“The End,” Jimmy said.

“Wait a minute,” I said. Where’s the part about the babies?”

Jimmy said, “Oh yeah, I forgot that part.”

Do you sometimes forget to tell a part when you tell a story? I know I do.

Then Jimmy told me about the babies. “So one day Mommy got sad.”

I said, “But I thought you said she was happy?”

“She was happy but she got sad anyway because she didn’t have a baby.”

“So then what happened?” I asked.

Jimmy said, “Daddy said to Mommy, ‘Look, Mommy, you’re not having a baby because you only have half a baby seed in your belly.’”

“How did Daddy know that?” I asked.

“Daddies are smart about things like that.”

“Oh,” I said.

Jimmy rubbed me on the head.  “Then Daddy said, ‘Look Mommy, I have half a seed, too. Let’s put my half with your half to make a whole baby seed.”

“Then what happened?” I asked.

Jimmy said, “They put their half a seeds together, and a baby started to grow inside Mommy’s belly.”

“Then what happened,” I asked. I ask that a lot you know.

Jimmy said, “When Mommy’s belly got too big out popped the baby.”

“Was the baby me?” I asked.

“No!” Jimmy said. “I was the first baby. You came second. That’s why I’m the oldest.”

“And that’s where babies come from?” I asked

“Yep,” Jimmy said.

“That’s silly,” I said. “I thought they came from Pittsburgh or one of those places like that.”

THE END

Questions for Readers

Yesterday, I posted the two rules for readers. By “readers” I refer, of course, to those unfortunate individuals who happen to know an author well enough to be asked to “read” their novel before the author publishes it. The idea is to provide brief comments, both positive and negative.

Oh yes, one more thing before you volunteer to become a reader… the writer is not asking you to edit the book so there’s no need to note all the typos, grammar errors or other stupid mistakes. It’s okay to note them if you wish, and the writer will appreciate anything so noted, but that’s not the job of the reader. Your job is to read, enjoy and then make a few comments about what you liked and didn’t like about the novel. So here are the three questions the writer most wants answered:

1. Did you read the entire novel? If not, what chapter or page did you stop on? (This question is important in case multiple readers stop on the same page or chapter because it tells the writer that something is amiss with that part of the book.)
2. What three things did you like most about the novel?
3. What three things did you like least about the novel?

There. That doesn’t sound so difficult, does it? Enjoy.

If at all possible, please respond to the writer within two or three weeks.

How to practice to become a “reader”
If you wish to practice being a reader, may I recommend starting with my thriller novel Steel Pennies? When you are finished, contact me with your comments at paul @ zuklloyd dot com. (Don’t forget to mush the address all together and use a real dot.) Put “Reader Comment” in the subject line so I don't think your important missive is spam although a piece of Spam with a bit of mustard might go well at the moment.

As your reward, I’ll email a free PDF copy of my “solve-it-yourself” mystery book – The Case of the Knife-Tossing Networker: 12 Mysteries Requiring Deductive Reasoning. BUT BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR AMAZON.COM ORDER NUMBER AS PROOF OF PURCHASE IN YOUR EMAIL. THIS NUMBER IS WRITTEN ON YOUR RECEIPT FROM AMAZON.COM.

Since I do not use an autoresponder like those online marketing gurus recommend, please allow a few days to hear back from me. If you don’t hear within a week, check the email address you sent it to. Or use the link at the bottom of the Me page (see links above).

Steel Pennies is racially-charged murder, mayhem and mischief wrapped around a teenage romance gone wild. It explores racial tension and forbidden love during the early days of the civil rights movement. It's a thriller written in a noir style laced with biting humor and oddball characters.

As another author wrote:
“Machine-gun sentences.  Fast.  Intense.  Mickey Spillane-style.  No way around it.  Paul is a top-notch noir writer.  Top-notch.”
Thomas Phillips author of The Molech Prophecy

Please click here to begin reading Steel Pennies.

Two Rules for “Readers”

Have you ever been asked to be a “reader” for an author? It’s a fun way to read a novel for free before it’s released. I recently sent the first book of my new novel series to my readers for comment. Here’s what I told them…

Dear Reader:
Thanks for agreeing to read my new novel. A novel “reader” is a person who helps a writer complete a novel by – you’ll never guess – actually reading it. But you also have one other big important task. This second task is the one the writer needs completed before the novel goes into print – your job is to tell the writer what you think of the book.

Rule 1: Give negative feedback
The negative helps the writer understand what needs fixing before releasing the novel upon an unsuspecting public. The things you find wrong with the book are what the writer is blind to due to “forest-for-the-trees” syndrome. An example includes using the word “mountain” ten times in one paragraph. Another is killing off Bob in chapter two only to have him show up alive and well in chapter eight. One more example is noticing that nothing actually happens in the middle of the novel.

Negative Feedback Massages the Author
Readers often are afraid to give negative feedback because they don’t want to hurt the writer’s feelings. Let me assure you that is never the case. Here’s why…

Seven Secret Steps for handling negative feedback
There are the seven secret steps the writer goes through when presented with negative feedback:

1. Go into deep mourning characterized by great weeping and gnashing of teeth. This lasts for a full day usually, sometimes a bit longer.
2. Blame the reader. Yes, the problems you pointed out in the novel will be your fault for about two or three days.
3. Review the reader’s mean, nasty negative comments and realize they actually make sense and some minor revisions may help improve the novel.
4. With great reluctance, make the changes needed by the novel. Usually major improvements happen during this step.
5. Notice that the changes actually do improve the novel.
6. Become deeply appreciative of the reader’s comments and contributions to making the novel better. The writer might even express gratitude to you for your contributions to improving the novel, but don’t count on it depending on the timing of Step 7.
7. Totally forget that the reader made the comments in the first place and think it was all the writer’s idea to make the changes which of course results in the writer’s ego being massaged.

As you can see, expressing negative comments to the writer results in massaging the writer’s ego in a nice, positive way. So be sure to make some. Make them up if you have to, but let’s not get carried away.

Rule 2: Make positive comments even when you have none
The positive comments you choose to make massage the writer’s ego as well, but they also can prove useful in promoting the novel. Make stuff up if you have to. Your positive comments assure the author remains among the living a little longer while supplying the kind of promotional copy usually only available from professional advertising agency copy writers and liars (redundancy planned).

Where is The Promise Garden?

If you started to read my novel The Promise Garden on this blog, but didn’t finish it, you may be curious to know where it went. The answer is simple: I took it down to prepare it for publication. It will be released in the near future for Kindle and paperback versions on Amazon.

In the meantime, I’ll return to this blog with more fiction soon. And if you haven’t read my other novels yet, please click here to visit my author page on Amazon. I encourage you to click on the book cover shown on Amazon to read several chapters of any of my novels before you buy. Usually, if the preview holds your interest, the novel will too.

My most popular novel so far is Hags with Fulfillment a close second. I find this interesting because Steel Pennies is the one I expected to achieve the greatest success. If you want to know why Steel Pennies is a must read, please click over to Amazon and read the free portion. Steel Pennies simply holds your attention and doesn’t let go. Click here to check it out.

My most popular short story so far is Little Miss Forgotten. I believe it’s the title that grabs people’s attention. Little Miss Forgotten is a fun story about war, peace, death and slumming angels. It’s a love story set in the Vietnam era, but don’t let the time stop you. Little Miss Forgotten is a timeless love story you’ll enjoy. Another story, one that readers often overlook in selecting one to purchase, is Egbert. Egbert is Chicago’s most unlikely vampire and a fun read.

Three Ways to Settle an Argument

Insults, silence, Olympian detachment – Hildegard Finkbottom had it all. The insults worked well with the Olympian detachment but the silence was deadly. You could ask her late husband, Broinkton Finkbottom about that, but, oh dear, he died. As did that pesky insurance salesman who refused to take his foot out of the front door and ended up disturbing Hidegard’s Olympian detachment. She started with insults, but names like “used car salesman” “dumb jerk” and “politician” proved ineffective. The silence of death worked, and he fit nicely into the garden next to her husband. The flowers that year were the delight of the neighborhood.

THE END

Speaking of Olympian detachment, the next great adventure of Jude Nerdworthy, Teenaged Monster Fighter, begins on this blog next week. The title is: No Space for Vampires or They Came From Out There. What happens when a vampire and his victim are kidnapped by a flying saucer? Find out next week. If you are new to the Jude Nerdworthy stories, please click here to read his most recent adventure.

For your immediate reading pleasure, may I suggest my October focus novel Hags? It has the demonology and witchcraft adventure necessary to make your Halloween reading scary without the chainsaws, long bloody knives or hockey goalie masks you see every year at this time. Click on the front cover of Hags on Amazon to read a lengthy chunk of it free. Please click here.