Scary Humor

Showing posts with label Free stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Free stuff. Show all posts

Friday, March 15, 2013

Killer Crowds


Have you ever watched one of those old films of city street scenes shot more than a century ago? The people are scurrying about like folks today in our big cities. The clothes are different. The cars and horse-drawn buggies are ancient. The brick and stone buildings in those flashing images have been replaced with ever higher glass and steel towers. But the action of the people is still the same. City life is, and always has been, about hustle and bustle.

Have you ever wondered where all those people in those old films are today? The simple answer is they are dead. But are they? Where do the people go who once hurried about our city streets?

I have seen people come and go for a decade in Philadelphia and multiple decades in Chicago. My travels, business and personal, have taken me to Boston, New York, Washington, Atlanta, Dallas, Denver, El Paso, Tucson, Detroit, Cleveland, Seattle and other great cities. The scene is always the same. Even in Canada, where I have visited Montreal, Toronto, Winnipeg, Calgary and their other cities I have witnessed the phenomenon: people in motion.

But where do they go?
Chicago, where I have spent the most time studying this mystery, makes a great example. The people scurrying about the Loop today are not the same people who labored there a generation ago. Where did those other folks disappear to?

I asked people in my business network. Their answers can be summed up in four words: “home, retirement, Florida, death.”

But do they really go to those places?

Try this experiment
Follow someone you see on the street in the evening rush hour when a mass of humanity heads for the train station. It doesn’t matter which city you’re in. Pick a person and follow him or her. Most of the time that person will simply disappear into the crowd and you will never see her again. Where did she go?

The mystery of the vanishing horde has haunted me these many decades. I have followed thousands of individuals. Pick the right person on the correct day and you’ll tail them right to their train. Those folks went home for dinner that night. But what about the people who vanished into the crowd right before your eyes? You watched them walking not more than 10 paces in front of you when suddenly they were nowhere to be seen.

Where did they go?

Two theories
In the interest of science (fiction and otherwise), I humbly offer two theories for further development by you or an expert of your choice:

Transcendental Departure: Could it be that when our time in the city is up and our business tasks are performed enough for one lifetime, we disappear into the crowd? We in effect become part of the crowd or one with the crowd. We are absorbed into the crowd. Our essence, our personhood, is distributed to the other individuals who make up the crowd. Our essence invigorates and strengthens the crowd, but at the price of our individual existence.

Adult Rebirth: Perhaps we become someone else as we are absorbed into the crowd. At one end of the mass sea of heads bobbing up in down to form a wave pattern, we vanish unnoticed by our casual passerby neighbors intent on making their homeward train on time. At the other end of the crowd, someone emerges, new and vigorous from our essence, someone you have never seen before. Meanwhile, no one in the city remembers you once you have vanished forever into the crowd.

A possible third theory? Beam me up, Scotty.

Read Hags for Free Now – Offer ends Today
Today is the last day to receive of free copy of my horror novel Hags for free from Amazon for your Kindle reader. Download it by clicking here.

If you prefer the paperback version of Hags, you may purchase it by following the same link above.

After you read Hags, please give it a 5-Star review on Amazon. Thanks.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Don’t Cry Over Spilt…


Police Detective Larson’s Irish green eyes didn’t light up when Primerot explained the reason for our late night gatherings of the Fox River Writers Group. Larson apparently had no experience with horror novels or the creatures who create them. His interest was that huge blood stain to the right of the bar at Murphy’s tap in St. Charles.

Morty the barkeep tried to explain that it was his fault the blood was spilled, but Larson didn’t get it. What’s not to get? We all have our little accidents. People are so data-focused these days, not like frontier times when a little bloodletting was a normal part of life and nobody much cared unless it was their own blood.

When Larson asked to see the liquor license, Morty laughed. “I don’t sell alcoholic beverages in this establishment, detective.”

“What do you sell?” Larson rubbed his hand across the pull tap for one of the kegs under the bar.

The rest of us laughed except Primerot who took notes for her new novel Bloodlust.

I tried to be helpful. “You may have noticed, Detective Larson, that we are not exactly like the people you meet every day in your job.”

Larson had enough of us. “Pour a glass of whatever brew you have in this keg.”

Morty snatched a beer mug from the warmer oven. He raised the glass high in the air. Our entire writer’s group including Primerot, Nosebuster, Suckbreath, Dimsnort and me craned our necks with eyes the size of silver dollars, for those of you who remember silver dollars. Anyway, they’re big.

Morty grinned a little wider than most people’s mouths will allow. This little trick made Larson’s eyes light up. Certain he had the detective’s attention; Morty pulled the tap, filling it with red joy.

“What is that? Some kind of wine?” Larson had not yet made the connection between the sweet aroma of fresh kill and the rubicund liquid Morty handed to him.

The link became obvious when Larson gawked in our direction. We, who couldn’t resist that flavorful scent, had our mouths open wide enough to expose the full length of our three-inch needle sharp incisors.

Larson pulled his handgun. I think it was a Glock, but what do I know of weapons other than my own fangs? As for the blood stain on the floor, Larson should have arrived earlier when we wrestled for the privilege of licking it up.

Despite Larson’s tough guy exterior, we each had a share with Primerot taking the devil’s portion. She is, after all, our leader.

Read Hags for Free Now – Offer ends March 15, 2013
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

After you read Hags, please give it a 5-Star review on Amazon. Thanks.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Evil Incarnate at Your Local Coffee Shop


Ted Wilson had no intention of kissing a vampire hag full on the lips when he entered the coffee shop earlier than usual yesterday morning. With the local Twilight Coffee Shoppe operating a 24-hour Latte and Leave service, Ted knew he could caffeinate on the 50-minute drive down the Reagan to the Eisenhower to the Loop. Fifty minutes if you left before the morning rush which explained his stop at the Twilight Coffee Shoppe.

When the tall, extremely pale barista asked if he wanted the usual, Ted moaned yes, but when he opened the plastic top to pour in a little almond-flavored imitation creamer, he did not expect to see a blood-red brew.

“What’s this?” he inquired.

The barista flashed a toothy grin before announcing, “Oops, that one’s mine.”

Ted snagged the correct brew cup and slid his debit card through the machine. He headed for the door without the almond-flavored imitation creamer.

“Wait,” said the barista. “Please allow me to apologize profusely for the error. Entirely my fault.”

Ted, who by this time had a hand on the front door, spun about. “No problem.” He didn’t see the barista so he shrugged. When he turned to leave, he bumped into her.

“When I say apologizes profusely, darling, I mean profusely.” The barista planted her ample lips firmly over Ted’s.

Ted was not one to mind a pair of warm female lips connected to his own, but they must be warm. The barista’s lips were as cold as Italian sausage yanked from the refrigerator, not that Ted ever kissed a cold Italian sausage. He preferred his meat hot, juicy and well done, but that’s another story for a different sort of blog than this one.

When the barista pulled back from the kiss, Ted noticed her fangs. It’s hard to miss a pair of three-inch upper incisors on a woman whose beauty is in the range of oh… let’s say Morticia Addams.

“What the…” Ted began to say before he was interrupted by the insertion of the barista’s incisors into his jugular vein.

As I said, that was yesterday morning before sunrise. This evening, Ted returned to the Latte and Leave.

“Usual?” the tall, pale barista asked.

“Yes, the usual,” replied Ted.

Read Hags for Free Now – Offer ends March 15, 2013
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

After you read Hags, please give it a 5-Star review on Amazon. Thanks.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Are You Afraid?


Scary, invisible things haunt your soul and keep you from the life you deserve. But what happens when one of those frightening creatures turns visible, for your eyes only? Creepy, right?

You’re alone in your bedroom, late at night with the lights on because you’re reading a horror story (like my Hags). The window flies open and something flaps its way into your room. Is it a bat? Or is it a mist on the wind?

What does the vapor shape into while it floats above your bed at midnight? The eyes, red and glowing like coals, appear first. Then a long, green nose slithers out of the haze. The rest of the face follows. You’re staring at a hag older than humankind.

You pull the covers over your head in hopes the creature will vanish by sunrise. As you contemplate your fate, you consider the value of praying to a God you’re not sure you believe in, just in case the thing in your room is real. Because if it is, then maybe there’s more to this God thing than meets your busy eyeballs. That’s when you hear the bump.

You pull the covers down from your face as you summon the courage to peek at the hag in your midnight bedroom. But there is no hag, only the wind through your open window, billowing curtains, and your paperback copy of Hags on the floor where it landed after that last big gust.

You close your eyes, snuggle into your pillow, and wait in the dark for what you know always comes next. 

Read Hags for Free Now – Offer ends March 15, 2013
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

After you read Hags, please give it a 5-Star review on Amazon. Thanks.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Genre Separates the Indies from the Traditionals


Genre is the one place where you may find a major difference between traditionally published novels and indie published novels.

Traditionals fit into bookstores
Traditionally published novels have to fit into a very narrowly defined genre space in a bookstore. The author has to adhere to the rules of genre so that the novel is easily identified as belonging to the genre. A mystery story is clearly distinct from its first cousin, the thriller, for example.

Unless you are a well-known author of best sellers, the reader isn’t shopping for your book in a book store. Instead, the reader is browsing the shelves looking for an interesting mystery, thriller, romance or whatever genre they prefer. The challenge for the new traditionally published author is to build a fan base that will seek books written by them in the future.

The indie difference
Indie published authors don’t have to worry as much about genre definitions because they aren’t marketing in traditional bookstore outlets. And their fan base is built from loyal family and friends and word-of-mouth. Such buyers are buying the author more than the book. Indie novel readers tend to select the author first and the book second.

The challenge for the indie author is to reach new readers through social media and online marketing combined with speaking gigs and traditional PR efforts. Indie authors still need a genre to identify the book’s place in Amazon or Smash Words, but the author self-selects the genre.

The indie author need only select the genre that most nearly fits what the story is about. This leaves the indie author with more freedom to mix genres and experiment with genre formats in ways traditionally published authors can’t. This is a subtle difference, but one you can notice if you look for it. But you have to know the basic rules of the genre you enjoy reading.

Speaking of reading...
My new horror novel Hags is about an ex-con who is accused of serial murders while battling a human-sized faerie and a couple of hags as evil as any from the Middle Ages. As the body count mounts, will he learn the secret of the hags before he becomes their next victim?

Today is the last day to download Hags for free. But you have to act before midnight tonight. Obtain your free copy for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

What is the Theme of Your Life?

Can you spot the theme in the books you are reading? One clue to the theme is to identify the main character’s biggest fault. Micah in Hags has issues with unresolved anger. He has other issues like a defeated outlook at the beginning of the story. For fun, watch how Micah’s personality becomes stronger as you move forward in the plot. What theme does that point to? How about a message like “forgiveness makes you stronger.” Or “don’t let adversity get you down.”

Another way to look at theme is to consider your own life.
What is the thread that runs through your world? You may want to start with your biggest fault. Or your biggest disappointment. Or that thing that keeps happening over and over again to you. Why do you suppose that keeps happening to you? There’s a theme in your life. The good news is it is not too late to change the theme or make it work for you instead of against you. Ask a few trusted friends about the theme they see running through your life. What themes run through the lives of your friends?

Read Hags for Free Now
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Why Aren’t You Like That?


A good story has a point. The author starts with an idea and writes a cool first draft. Like your first read, it is mainly about the plot. Then the author notices something interesting about the story, or maybe the author intended it all along. The thing that’s noticed is the moral of the story. It’s like those old faerie tales where at the end, you read something like, “And the moral of the story is never go into the woods alone.” Well, in a good novel, the author is telling us something about our world. Think of it as the life lesson illustrated by the story.

During the editing process, good authors go back through their story and bring out this moral so it weaves like a thread running through the fabric of the tale. In horror and other thrillers or fantasy fiction, the theme is often innocence to experience. Super8 is a good example of a movie using an innocence to experience theme.

One way to look for theme is to watch how the main character changes and then look for similar changes in other characters. Pets and monsters count as characters as do computers and robots. And elves and dwarves. Not sure about zombies and vampires. Does going from dead to undead count as a character change?

The main theme in Hags, my new horror story, is forgiveness. As in real life, you meet a lot of characters who are hurting. They have to learn how to forgive. Some do, some don’t and some are just flat out evil. So what’s a hero to do? Forgive the forgivable and kill the evil guys? Or refuse to forgive the really wicked deeds of the past?

Read Hags for Free Now
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Why Give Hags Away?

You can read Hags for free on your Kindle as a result of my three goals:

Spread the word: By giving Hags away free for five days, I’m hoping you’ll enjoy it so much that you’ll tell your friends and family about it.

Generate Amazon reviews: If you enjoy reading Hags, I invite you to let other readers know about it by posting a review on Amazon.

Establish a baseline for future novel marketing: This is my first big book giveaway and I’m curious to know how many books to expect people to download during the five-day giveaway. And I want to know if the giveaway produces any kind of sales bounce following the giveaway period as a result of publicity and word-of-mouth advertising. How many books can I expect to have downloaded from Amazon in five days? Is a hundred reasonable? How about five hundred or a thousand? How about several thousand? I’ve heard of people giving away thousands of books through this kind of promotion. The good news is you can follow my success on my business blog by clicking here. (If you are reading this after the week of October 8-12, 2012, you'll have to click on those dates on my business blog.)

Read Hags for Free Now
Download Hags for free this week only from Amazon for your Kindle reader by clicking here.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Here’s another novel idea…
Enjoy this blog post? Please share it with your friends by clicking the social media buttons below.

Monday, October 8, 2012

How Scary Is Your World?

The world says, “What you can’t see can’t hurt you.” But it’s the scary invisible things that haunt your soul and keep you from the life you deserve. My new horror novel, Hags, takes you on a journey through this invisible world.

Hags is set in one of the most normal of normal places, assuming there is such a thing as normal. The location is Naperville, Illinois, an upscale small city located in the heart of Chicago’s western suburbs.  It’s a real place that I populate with unreal characters ranging from an unlikely ex-con hero to a couple of hags as dangerous as any from the Middle Ages.

What evil lurks in the hearts of people (to paraphrase an old radio show)? For one of my characters, it’s life as a mad serial killer. But wait, why stop at one mad serial killer when you can have two? Let’s mix in a demon posing as a faerie to go along with the hags and you have the makings of mayhem, murder and worse in Naperville, Illinois. Let’s add in a little romance… okay, maybe more than a bit and…

But instead of telling you about the book at length, why not read it for yourself. For free.

The big giveaway
This is DAY 1 of my FIVE-DAY GIVEAWAY. You read that right. I’m giving away my new novel, Hags, on Amazon.com for free for five days. Download it now for your Kindle reader by clicking here. Don’t have a Kindle? You can download the free version for your computer or smart phone from Amazon by clicking here.

Free reading device software. Free novel. Nothing scary about a giveaway. But what about my new novel? Better leave the lights on when you read Hags. It’s scary horror suspense in my unique mix of noir and humor. Enjoy.

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