Humor from Outer Space

The stranger lay motionless under the noonday sun when Arpdxz landed his saucer about 50 feet away.

Arpdxz nudged the stranger with his sixth leg, the one on the left side in back.

The stranger groaned but didn't open his eyes.

Arpdxz smiled with both mouths. He blinked his upper eyes and picked up the stranger. Wait until he wakes up in the Australian outback,” he chuckled, bottom mouth only.

THE END

Speaking of smiling with both mouths, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Anchovie Popcycles

Anchovie popcycles started as a joke at Lamar's Diner, but then that tourist bus showed up painted the same shade of ugly green as those disgusting would-be treats. And then the barfing began. Some thought it would end with the consumption of the last anchovie popcycle in the world, but it turned out to be a virus brought to the Chicago area on that darn green bus. Apparently you first have to eat an anchovie popcycle before it can make you barf.

THE END

Have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

When Martha Shot the Leprechaun

Officer O'Toole claimed the body was a dwarf and accused Martha of the foul deed. “Look, missy, already he’s turning green,” said Officer O’Toole.

“Now, O’Toole, you’ve got to understand he was green before I shot the little fellow.”

“Tell me, Martha, why you killed the lad.”

“He’s not a lad, he’s a leprechaun.”

“In all my born years I’ve never seen a leprechaun, Martha, so don’t be telling me fables. The lad’s a goner, and oh my, what’s this? He’s sitting up.”

“O’Toole, you better duck for he's pissed. Duck now,” Martha insisted.

O’Toole ducked in time to avoid being smashed by the rainbow the leprechaun fired from his forefinger. Martha attempted to beat the wee green fellow to the other end of the rainbow, but alas, the pot of gold and the leprechaun were long gone when she arrived. 'Twas as fine a rainbow as ever Martha laid eyes upon.

Where There's Smoke

They chopped down the giant willow and hauled the logs to the site of the annual end of school year bonfire. It wasn’t until Casey and the rest of the phi beta alpha crew stacked the logs for the fire that Dean Altman noticed his favorite tree missing.

“I’ll expel the whole fraternity for this,” Dean Altman shouted. He obviously forgot that using foul language on campus was forbidden and punishable by dismissal unless the professor had tenure, which Dean Altman obviously did. Nor did Dean Altman seem to recall that finals were over, the grades were in and the sheepskins printed. Real sheepskins in those days, not the embossed paper ones they use today.

After the lads stacked the chairs, desks and other old furniture no longer needed by students, Nickie Tunnelston torched the stack. Her powder blue miniskirt began to smoke when she forgot to back away from the flames soon enough. The smoldering cloth didn't burn her in the end.

Danny McCallister did a yeoman's job of throwing her on the ground. He ripped off her skirt like he had experience with such matters. He patted her down and wrapped her with his blazer. He, of course, patted her legs high enough to make sure Nickie felt safe. She felt safe to him. And if Nickie's smile was any indication, she felt safe, too. Yes, Nickie's skirt set their romance ablaze which just goes to show where there's smoke, you can always go a little higher.

Instructions for an Evening Date

Load the Rolls with oak stakes, lignum vitae bullets for your Glock and don’t forget the silver bullets for the rifles. You never know who or what you’ll run into in the city. Open the garage door after checking that the sun hasn’t set yet. Pull out of the garage carefully so you avoid hitting the mummy your neighbor made out of his murdered wife.

Follow Walnut Court to Poplar. Turn right. The city chopped down the giant willow on the corner lot so watch out for Tarzan the Zombie. He could pop out of any of the other trees or his little treetop hut that now sits in the big oak over on Chestnut where Jane, your girlfriend, feeds. Enjoy.

You Graduate, You Evacuate

When Bob turned 18, his foster parents showed him the front door. Bob explained he liked the entrance, but his foster dad declared he preferred Bob find the other side. So Bob borrowed $100 from his 12-year old foster sister. He visited Wally who lived in the basement of his mother’s house.

Bob and Wally hung out until they found a couple of jobs. They enjoyed life until Wally’s mom said they made too much racket at night. “You both will become more attractive on the south side of my north side door.”

Or did she mean the north side of the south-side door?

Either way, Bob and Wally met Ginger Stevens at the bus stop. Ginger's parents had persuaded her to leave home with a subtle change of the locks. “When you graduate, you evacuate,” Ginger’s dad informed her through the locked front door.

Ginger wasn’t happy about the forced move, but she was glad she ran into Wally and Bob because she could use a friend or two at the moment. Besides she had a job so they moved in together – on the up and up with no sex or nudity permitted. They worked their butts off until Ginger got the bright idea they should flip houses, which explains the sideways homes on Waldorf Ave.

What If Angels Sang the Blues?

What would the new king say? What about the Druid shaman? And the Christian priest? How would they feel about the blues? Or did they sing their own Dark Ages version of the blues, Druids to the earth  mother, Christians to Jesus? Who sang the blues didn't matter until the Druids accused Brigitte the Money Changer of murdering King Flipnot II on his 19th birthday. Christians defended Brigitte and dumped the blame on Axelrod the Red. While angels sang the blues in the Cathedral of St, Catherine the Juggernaut, I began the investigation. That's right, I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham. Murder is my game.