Scary Humor

Thursday, December 21, 2017

A Christmas Carol For America Stave 2

STAVE 2: THE FIRST OF THE THREE SPIRITS

“Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?” asked Trump when he awoke at one a.m. to find a visage of Abraham Lincoln beside his bed.

“I am!” The voice was soft and gentle. Singularly high and screeching, as if instead of being so close beside him, it were at a distance.

“Who, and what are you?” Trump demanded.

“I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

“Long Past?” inquired Trump: observant of its tall stature.

“No. Your past.”

Trump then made bold to inquire what business brought him there.

“Your welfare!” said the Ghost.

Trump expressed himself much obliged, but could not help thinking that a night of unbroken rest would have been more conducive to that end. The Spirit must have heard him thinking, for it said immediately:

“Your reclamation, then. Take heed!”

It put out its strong hand as it spoke, and clasped him gently by the arm.

“Rise! and walk with me!”

It would have been in vain for Trump to plead that the weather and the hour were not adapted to pedestrian purposes; that bed was warm, and the thermometer a long way below freezing; that he was clad but lightly in his slippers, pajamas and robe; and that he had a cold upon him at that time. The grasp, though gentle as a woman’s hand, was not to be resisted. He rose: but finding that the Spirit made towards the window, clasped his coat in supplication.

“I am a mortal,” Trump remonstrated, “and liable to fall.”

“Bear but a touch of my hand there,” said the Spirit, laying it upon his heart, “and you shall be upheld in more than this!”

As the words were spoken, they passed through the wall, and stood upon a television studio. “Good Heaven!” said Trump, clasping his hands together, as he looked about him. “I was a TV star in this place!”

The Spirit gazed upon him mildly. Its gentle touch, though it had been light and instantaneous, appeared still present to the old man’s sense of feeling. He was conscious of a thousand odors floating in the air, each one connected with a thousand memories, and hopes, and joys, and cares long, long, forgotten! 

“Here you fired celebrities for no other reasons than ratings and you had the power to do it without question,” said the Ghost of Christmas Past.

“Fake News!” cried Trump. “I fired them all because they were incompetent louts unworthy of their own star status. They needed firing and I fired them because I was a good man of business.”

“Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands. “Mankind is your business. The common welfare is your business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, are, all, your business. The dealings of your investments and businesses are but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of your business!” 

“Fake News,” cried Trump.

To be continued...


Satan had no idea who he was messing with.
Mary wasn’t your ordinary unmarried pregnant teenager. This kid had moxie and connections in extremely high places.

In Fulfillment, the secret concerning the baby in Mary’s womb attracts evil spirits, a woman-hating ancient Israeli monster named Lilith, a king, soldiers and a would-be lover all bent on destroying her. Mary’s journey, while steeped with betrayal and the foul stench of the ultimate demon, is a setup for an even bigger story. She discovers a lost love found, the promise of a newborn king, and a wealth of new friends from a dwarf with the heart of a warrior to the young mother who loses her husband and children in a bloody massacre. Laugh, cry and gain new insights into the Christmas story as you read Fulfillment.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.”
Revelation 12:4b

Click here to choose the paperback or Kindle version.

Paperback copies make excellent Christmas presents, especially for those who enjoy an original horror story. Tell them it's like Stephen King or Frank Peretti visiting the first century.

Click here to visit my author page on Amazon. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

A Christmas Carol For America Stave 1

WITH APOLOGIES TO CHARLES DICKENS: A parody is a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious work of literature or writing. This is my parody of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol in which I replace Scrooge with President Trump. I borrowed most of the copy from Dickens’ original text while changing, deleting and adding things to reflect the current political times.

STAVE ONE: THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION’S GHOST

Once upon a time—of all the good days in the year, on Christmas Eve—old Trump sat busy in his White House after the close of Presidential business and his staff abandoning him in favor of the holiday. The Oval Office door flew open with a booming sound, and then slammed shut. Trump heard loud footsteps coming straight towards his office.

“It’s fake news!” said Trump. “I won’t believe it.”

His color changed though, when, without a pause, the loud noise came on through the Oval Office door, and passed into the room before his eyes.

Trump refused to believe though he looked the phantom of the Obama Administration through and through, and saw it standing before him; though he felt the chilling influence of its death-cold eyes; he fought against his senses.

“How now!” said Trump, caustic and cold as ever. “What do you want with me?”

“Much!”—Obama’s voice, no doubt about it.

“Who are you?”

“In life I was your predecessor, the Obama Administration. You don’t believe in me,” observed the Ghost.

“You’re fake news,” said Trump.

“Why do you doubt your senses?”

“Because,” said Trump, “a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the Congress makes them cheats. You may be an unrepentant bit of the justice department, a blot of FBI files, a crumb of left over democracy, a fragment of underdone party loyalty. There’s more of the knave than of the grave about you, whatever you are!”

Trump was not much in the habit of cracking jokes, nor did he feel, in his heart, by any means waggish then. The truth is, that he tried to be smart, as a means of distracting his own attention, and keeping down his terror; for the spectre’s voice disturbed the very marrow in his bones.

At this the spirit raised a frightful cry with such a dismal and appalling noise, that Trump held on tight to his chair, to save himself from falling in a swoon. Trump fell upon his knees, and clasped his hands before his face.

“Mercy!” he said. “Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?”

“Man of the worldly mind!” replied the Ghost, “do you believe in me or not?”

“I do,” said Trump. “I must.”

“Hear me!” cried the Ghost. “My time is nearly gone.”

“I will,” said Trump. “But don’t be hard upon me!”

“You will be haunted,” resumed the Ghost, “by Three Spirits.”

Trump’s countenance fell almost as low as Hillary’s on election night. “Is that the chance and hope you mentioned?” Trump demanded, in a faltering voice.

“It is.”

“I—I think I’d rather not,” said Trump.

“Without their visits,” said the Ghost, “you cannot hope to shun the place your path inevitably leads. Expect the first to-morrow, when the clock tolls One.”

“Couldn’t I take ’em all at once, and have it over?” hinted Trump.

“Expect the second on the next night at the same hour. The third upon the next night when the last stroke of Twelve has ceased to vibrate. Look to see me no more; and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!”

Trump tried to say “Fake News!” but stopped at the first word. And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the Ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose; went straight to bed, and fell asleep upon the instant.

To be continued...


Satan had no idea who he was messing with.
Mary wasn’t your ordinary unmarried pregnant teenager. This kid had moxie and connections in extremely high places.

In Fulfillment, the secret concerning the baby in Mary’s womb attracts evil spirits, a woman-hating ancient Israeli monster named Lilith, a king, soldiers and a would-be lover all bent on destroying her. Mary’s journey, while steeped with betrayal and the foul stench of the ultimate demon, is a setup for an even bigger story. She discovers a lost love found, the promise of a newborn king, and a wealth of new friends from a dwarf with the heart of a warrior to the young mother who loses her husband and children in a bloody massacre. Laugh, cry and gain new insights into the Christmas story as you read Fulfillment.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.”
Revelation 12:4b

Click here to choose the paperback or Kindle version.

Paperback copies make excellent Christmas presents, especially for those who enjoy an original horror story. Tell them it's like Stephen King or Frank Peretti visiting the first century.

Click here to visit my author page on Amazon. 

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Beginning Part 2

A prelude to my novel Fulfillment

Awake

Back inside the safety of the glowing light of an oil lamp and the lingering warmth of a fading cooking fire, Mary found her mother wiping the last of the plates.

“Where’s your dish, Mary?” Mother asked.

“Oh, I must have dropped it outside with the food. May I take Big Ears with me, Mother?”

“Mary, you’re such a child! Joseph wants a wife, not a pet.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to ask him. I think he likes dogs.”

“How would you know a thing like that?”

“I don’t really. I just said that I think he likes dogs. It’s what I think and what I hope. I will miss Big Ears if I can’t take him with me, Mother.”

“You’re not planning to take me along with you, too, are you?”

“Oh, Mother, of course not! You’re too old and besides, Daddy needs you here.”

“Thanks a lot, pal. Perhaps Daddy needs Big Ears. Somebody has to eat the scraps and I suppose lick the plates if you don’t run outside this instant and retrieve that plate, my young one.”

“Yes, mother. Where is Daddy, anyway?”

“He’s sleeping. He’s had a rough day and needs his rest. He’s not as young as he used to be. So you’ll be quiet, won’t you, dear?”

“Of course, Mother.”

As Mary started for the back door of the cottage, there was a loud rush of wind and the cooking fire flared up with a whoosh.

“Mother, what was that?”

“It’s probably just the wind. Perhaps a storm is on the way. We could use the rain.”

“It didn’t sound like any wind I ever heard,” Mary responded.

“Oh, Mary, the things you think about! Go get that plate, now. I’m waiting.”

Mary returned to the yard and snatched up the plate. Was that a giant moonlit shadow she saw crossing the stone wall behind her house again? Mary gasped for breath and then ran in.

“Mother, Big Ears never came for his supper. Do you suppose something could have happened to him?”

“Don’t be a worry-wart, child. He’s probably visiting his fiancĂ©. Dogs get married too, sometimes.”

“No they don’t. They just pretend they’re married and make puppies.”

“Mary!”

“Well, it’s true.”

“You’re far too young to speak of such things.”

“I’m engaged to be married. I have to know about these things!”

“I suppose, but you’re still a little girl to me.”

“Mother!”

“I know, dear. Time flies on eagle’s wings while here below, we just get older.”

“I’m going to my room now, Mother.”

“Give your mother a kiss before you go.”

“Yes, Mother.”

As Mary turned away from kissing her mother’s cheek, she heard a loud, hissing snake-like voice, “Marrrry, I amm heeee whoooo destroyssss you. I am he who rulesssss.”

Mary turned back to her mother and asked, “What was that?”

“What was what,” Mother replied.

“That horrible voice.”

“What voice?”

Mary awoke in her bed. How long have I been asleep?

THE END

The story continues in my novel Fulfillment

Satan had no idea who he was messing with.
Mary wasn’t your ordinary unmarried pregnant teenager. This kid had moxie and connections in extremely high places.

In Fulfillment, the secret concerning the baby in Mary’s womb attracts evil spirits, a woman-hating ancient Israeli monster named Lilith, a king, soldiers and a would-be lover all bent on destroying her. Mary’s journey, while steeped with betrayal and the foul stench of the ultimate demon, is a setup for an even bigger story. She discovers a lost love found, the promise of a newborn king, and a wealth of new friends from a dwarf with the heart of a warrior to the young mother who loses her husband and children in a bloody massacre. Laugh, cry and gain new insights into the Christmas story as you read Fulfillment.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.”
Revelation 12:4b

Click here to choose the paperback or Kindle version.

Paperback copies make excellent Christmas presents, especially for those who enjoy an original horror story. Tell them it's like Stephen King or Frank Peretti visiting the first century.

Click here to visit my author page on Amazon.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Beginning Part 1

A prelude to my novel Fulfillment

Asleep

As Mary waited for sleep, her thoughts turned to the evil that now haunted her.

“Yes, Mother. I will, Mother,” Mary remembered answering. She was being polite and submissive, not exasperated the way she really felt. She remembered grabbing one of the plates and gathering the scrapings of vegetable skins and leftover bones along with the crumbs of bread from the new wooden eating table and taking them into the yard in back of the family cottage. There she placed the scraps on the ground and called, “Big Ears! Come eat your supper.”

Mary listened. The gathering darkness hurried her thoughts. She did not like to be alone outside when the sun went down, even in her own family’s yard. “Big Ears!” she called again. A loud whoosh of wind passed close behind her, rustling her skirt. She suppressed an urge to cry out, speaking a soft, “Oh!” instead. She turned around but there was nothing, only the ever darkening sky. In the distance beyond the village limits, the hills disappeared in the blackness against the night.

“Big Ears!” she cried again, this time in the new direction toward the hills behind her village home. There was no response so she bent over and emptied the plate onto the ground. While she was bent over, she heard the roar.

She thought at first it must be the roar of a lion, but of course there were no lions in the hills nowadays. Perhaps a wolf, or maybe a leopard, she thought. But wolves do not roar, do they? Must be a leopard. Or a jackal. She slowly straightened her tiny back and shivered. Her face, which had been smiling when she came out of the house, now bore a frown of worry and something else. Her eyes slowly began to show the something else when a huge dark shadow passed along a stone wall in the yard. Her mouth opened slowly as she held back the urge to scream as long as she could. When the roar came again, she released a suppressed “huh!” and then dropped the plate on top of Big Ears’ supper. She turned and ran.

To be continued...
 

Satan had no idea who he was messing with.
Mary wasn’t your ordinary unmarried pregnant teenager. This kid had moxie and connections in extremely high places.

In Fulfillment, the secret concerning the baby in Mary’s womb attracts evil spirits, a woman-hating ancient Israeli monster named Lilith, a king, soldiers and a would-be lover all bent on destroying her. Mary’s journey, while steeped with betrayal and the foul stench of the ultimate demon, is a setup for an even bigger story. She discovers a lost love found, the promise of a newborn king, and a wealth of new friends from a dwarf with the heart of a warrior to the young mother who loses her husband and children in a bloody massacre. Laugh, cry and gain new insights into the Christmas story as you read Fulfillment.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.”
Revelation 12:4b

Click here to choose the paperback or Kindle version.

Paperback copies make excellent Christmas presents, especially for those who enjoy an original horror story. Tell them it's like Stephen King or Frank Peretti visiting the first century.

Click here to visit my author page on Amazon.


Friday, December 8, 2017

Fulfillment


As one critic wrote:
“This may be the most unique version of the Christian Nativity story ever written.… Author Paul R. Lloyd has turned his fertile and vivid imagination loose on a story that millions of people hold sacred and find too familiar to grab much attention during its telling. But hold on to your hats! This one is different!”

I suspect most people today think of Christmas as that cheery time when we gather the family, exchange gifts, fool little people into believing in Santa Clause, and oh by the way, celebrate the birth of Jesus in that stable in long ago Bethlehem.

What could be sweeter than the birth of a baby destined to grow up to save us from the evil clutches of Satan and an eternity in hell? Cool story, right? Except buried near the end of the Bible version, King Herod orders the murder of every male child under age two in the town of Bethlehem. This mass murder probably included a lot of girl babies, if you think about it, because soldiers aren’t particular when they have to fend off moms and dads attempting to protect their young. This means a lot of moms and dads may have died as part of that horrible event. It’s likely that a number of Bethlehem families were entirely wiped out.

The purpose of the mass execution was to kill the Christ child who King Herod saw as a threat to his family’s dynasty. So here’s the thing – this act of violence shows believers that the enemy – Satan and his minions – were out to stop the Messiah from saving the world. We think of this as a type of spiritual warfare.

I found it interesting that in more than 2,000 years following the massacre, no one had written a story about what Satan was up to while God was about the business of sending Jesus to save the world. No one, that is, until I wrote Fulfillment.

My story is about realistic people rather than plaster saints. People in ancient Palestine laughed, cried, celebrated, worried and did all the other things we normal type modern folks do. Mary and Joseph in my novel battle Satan’s attempts to destroy them and their baby.

As I thought about putting this story to electronic paper, I considered what would Satan’s natural strategy be? If Jesus is the Son of God, then he is way too powerful for Satan to attack directly. So what do you do if you’re Satan? Kill the mother before Jesus is born, that’s what.

But Satan had no idea who he was messing with. Mary wasn’t your ordinary unmarried pregnant teenager. This kid had moxie and connections in extremely high places.

In Fulfillment, the secret concerning the baby in Mary’s womb attracts evil spirits, a woman-hating ancient Israeli monster named Lilith, a king, soldiers and a would-be lover all bent on destroying her. Mary’s journey, while steeped with betrayal and the foul stench of the ultimate demon, is a setup for an even bigger story. She discovers a lost love found, the promise of a newborn king, and a wealth of new friends from a dwarf with the heart of a warrior to the young mother who loses her husband and children in a bloody massacre. Laugh, cry and gain new insights into the Christmas story as you read Fulfillment.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.”
Revelation 12:4b

Click here to choose the paperback or Kindle version.

Choose the Kindle version for yourself. Paperback copies make excellent Christmas presents, especially for those who are not likely to read the original Christmas story in the Bible but will read a horror story. Tell them it's like Stephen King visiting the first century.

Click here to visit my author page on Amazon.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Fearless Fall Reading


GHOSTLY YET ROMANTIC HUMOR
What makes those noises in the hidden spaces in your home after you send the kids to bed with candy-swollen bellies on Halloween night? What better time to leave a light on and read my novel Hags. As the body count rises, the police arrest Micah Probert, the ex-con who appears mighty suspicious if you ask Ahlman Brown – the man with gossamer wings hidden under his shirt. And will Micah learn the secret to clear his name and save Naperville, Illinois, from ancient hags and demons bent on destruction?

“It's like stepping into a Peretti novel, where the characters of the book are joined by the unseen characters - angels and demons.” Becky Davis in her Amazon review of Fulfillment by Paul R. Lloyd.

“Fast. Intense. No way around it. Paul is a top-notch noir writer. Top-notch.” Thomas Phillips, author of The Molech Prophecy

HAGS PREVIEW
Megan pulled at her skirt as she sat down. She wished she had worn slacks instead of her shortest outfit.

Dr. Langdon stepped behind his desk and picked up a file. He returned to the front of the desk and sat in the open seat, pulling it over so it touched Megan’s chair. He smiled while he opened the file. “Let’s talk about what we can do to bring up your math grade, Megan. I’d hate to have you not graduate with your class.”

He patted her on the hand.

Megan crossed her legs and stared at a smudge on the wall behind Dr. Langdon’s desk. She waited for what other girls said always came next.

To choose the paperback or Kindle version, click here.


Monday, October 9, 2017

Moving My Writer's Group to Wheaton

The Write Time Writers Group will move our meetings from Geneva to Vineyard Church of DuPage in Wheaton starting Thursday, October 12, 2017. Meetings run from 7:30 pm to 9 pm. I lead the group with a focus on helping members perfect their craft through workshops, writing exercises and critiques. There is no cost for membership. Established in 2004, the group meets regularly on the second and fourth Thursdays each month and welcomes writers of all ages and levels of experience from teens through seniors. Vineyard Church of DuPage is located at 1900 Manchester Rd, Wheaton, IL 60187.


Please visit my author's page on Amazon to purchase my novels and short fiction. Click here.

Featured Post

The Final Meeting of the Moon Watcher's Club

Check out the free offer below. The Moon Watchers Club chased a herd of 12 does and one buck over in rural Kane County this past full moon c...

Most Popular Posts