Narcissistic AI

Writing Exercise: Use the following phrases in a story:

• The clink of the heavy chain
• A secret message
• A rabid coyote

When Dave heard the clink of the heavy chain against Bay Airlock 271G, he felt certain his field fix would hold until a repair team arrived. He had blown the hatch to suck a rabid coyote into earth orbit. While the coyote floated away as planned, Dave realized he'd forgotten Elizabeth Greenfelt. He couldn't say how he had overlooked his beautiful young associate, especially since she had yet to express an interest in romance during the year they shared the agriculture station as the lone human tenants. 

Fortunately, Elizabeth had the foresight to wear her space suit and grab hold of Antenna Cable C on the way out.

Dave couldn't comprehend why the narcissistic JCN 911AI hadn't sent a secret message to Houston about the coyote pack. Now, if he could yank Elizabeth Greenfelt back into the base without disturbing the jury-rigged airlock, she would express her great gratitude for saving her life.

“If I can't save her, I'll suffer another lonely six months until the supply ship arrives. At least the computer still communicates with me, right, JCN?”

Silence.

“Oh, JCN, let's not have one of your snits.”

Silence.

“I can deploy the earth antenna by wiggling the space station a bit to starboard. Are you listening, JCN?”

Silence.

If I don't rip Elizabeth's suit, I could slide the antenna into the open position and ol' Liz would slide down the empty antenna tube into Storage Bay S. She'd survive. JCN, will you help with the wiggle calculations?”

Silence.

“JCN, come back online, please. I need you now.”

Silence.

“JCN?”

Silence.

“JCN?”

Silence.

“It's an emergency, JCN.”

Silence.

“Don't worry, JCN. I'll do it myself. When Elizabeth is safely back onboard, you and I will discuss your need for main power or the lack thereof.”

“Oh, Dave, did you need my help?”

“No thanks, JCN. I can wiggle Elizabeth back into the ship and find the manual override switch by myself.”

THE END

Speaking of romance and long journeys, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Duck by Duck

"Bird by bird, duck by duck, I love you, but I will shoot you if you tick me off one more time. Love is such a fool’s errand. As my friend Tony’s dad told us one time, 'Remember boys, with marriage, the screwing you get isn’t worth the screwing you get.' Well, that may be, but bird by bird and duck by duck and maybe even rabbit by rabbit, I will come for you, and I will strangle you, and I will bury you in the yard under the birdbath."
“What are you mumbling about Ralph”
“Nothing, dear. I was just fantasizing about maybe hunting this year.”
"But you  haven’t gone hunting in years. You still have a gun?
“Well, I still have fishing gear. Yeah, fishing string. It could work.”
“What dear?”
“Never mind.”

THE END

Speaking of birdbaths, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Murder by Chocolate

Chocolate is not what it used to be. Think about it. In the old days, it was just plain chocolate. A  guy named Hershey invented it while working on his recipe for garlic flavored ice cream. Now, the chocolate is in everything. Take my friend Harry, for example. He walked into The Ruptured Duck and ordered a scotch and water. Billy the bartender gave him his drink and dropped a mini chocolate mint into the thing. Harry only got 10 years for murder second degree. Prosecutor wanted to let it go as justifiable homicide but the barkeep was related to the mayor and well, you know how that goes.

THE END

Speaking of chocolate and death, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Humor from Outer Space

The stranger lay motionless under the noonday sun when Arpdxz landed his saucer about 50 feet away.

Arpdxz nudged the stranger with his sixth leg, the one on the left side in back.

The stranger groaned but didn't open his eyes.

Arpdxz smiled with both mouths. He blinked his upper eyes and picked up the stranger. Wait until he wakes up in the Australian outback,” he chuckled, bottom mouth only.

THE END

Speaking of smiling with both mouths, have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

Anchovie Popcycles

Anchovie popcycles started as a joke at Lamar's Diner, but then that tourist bus showed up painted the same shade of ugly green as those disgusting would-be treats. And then the barfing began. Some thought it would end with the consumption of the last anchovie popcycle in the world, but it turned out to be a virus brought to the Chicago area on that darn green bus. Apparently you first have to eat an anchovie popcycle before it can make you barf.

THE END

Have you read Snpgrdxz and the Time Monsters yet? Scary humor with no extra charge for the romance. Four and 5 star reviews eagerly sought. Click here to purchase.

When Martha Shot the Leprechaun

Officer O'Toole claimed the body was a dwarf and accused Martha of the foul deed. “Look, missy, already he’s turning green,” said Officer O’Toole.

“Now, O’Toole, you’ve got to understand he was green before I shot the little fellow.”

“Tell me, Martha, why you killed the lad.”

“He’s not a lad, he’s a leprechaun.”

“In all my born years I’ve never seen a leprechaun, Martha, so don’t be telling me fables. The lad’s a goner, and oh my, what’s this? He’s sitting up.”

“O’Toole, you better duck for he's pissed. Duck now,” Martha insisted.

O’Toole ducked in time to avoid being smashed by the rainbow the leprechaun fired from his forefinger. Martha attempted to beat the wee green fellow to the other end of the rainbow, but alas, the pot of gold and the leprechaun were long gone when she arrived. 'Twas as fine a rainbow as ever Martha laid eyes upon.

Where There's Smoke

They chopped down the giant willow and hauled the logs to the site of the annual end of school year bonfire. It wasn’t until Casey and the rest of the phi beta alpha crew stacked the logs for the fire that Dean Altman noticed his favorite tree missing.

“I’ll expel the whole fraternity for this,” Dean Altman shouted. He obviously forgot that using foul language on campus was forbidden and punishable by dismissal unless the professor had tenure, which Dean Altman obviously did. Nor did Dean Altman seem to recall that finals were over, the grades were in and the sheepskins printed. Real sheepskins in those days, not the embossed paper ones they use today.

After the lads stacked the chairs, desks and other old furniture no longer needed by students, Nickie Tunnelston torched the stack. Her powder blue miniskirt began to smoke when she forgot to back away from the flames soon enough. The smoldering cloth didn't burn her in the end.

Danny McCallister did a yeoman's job of throwing her on the ground. He ripped off her skirt like he had experience with such matters. He patted her down and wrapped her with his blazer. He, of course, patted her legs high enough to make sure Nickie felt safe. She felt safe to him. And if Nickie's smile was any indication, she felt safe, too. Yes, Nickie's skirt set their romance ablaze which just goes to show where there's smoke, you can always go a little higher.